Depression, Sexual Assault, and a Knife

Depression was first. Throughout high school I isolated myself from my peers. I told myself it was because I lived in the middle of nowhere and couldn't see them, but finally accepted the truth: I am worthless. I am literally not worth anyone's time. I developed Binge Eating Disorder. Food was my friend.

2012. My parents were fighting, my grandpa committed suicide, and I was being my usual doormat self, trying to ease everyone else's stress, while letting mine rot away the integrity of my being. 2012. I worked at a summer camp in 2011, and went back in 2012. That was a year that I was starting to find myself again, starting to open up into a person who could make friends. 

A friend asked me to watch House with him in his cabin, so I did. I fell asleep, and woke up to him on top of me. Upon trying to leave, I was physically restrained, laid on top of, ground into, all while hyperventilating and not being able to catch my breath. I tried screaming but couldn't. He took off my shorts. He pulled my ankles towards him. I blacked out. 

He put a large sweater on me when he was finished, got me water, and sent me back to my cabin.

The next day, I was wooden. I did not eat, I did not smile or laugh, I did not speak. When I was not working, I slept. I did not tell anyone what happened.

2013. My parents forced me to move out of country for school. Depression hit hard. I knew that when I found myself sobbing in a cold bath, 3 hours after drawing it. 2015, my parents realized the country they sent me to was NOT cheaper, and forced me to move back. I developed an alcohol depedency. Then I started to self harm.

2015, I met my current boyfriend at the same summer camp. Odd, isn't it? He helped me in ways I cannot describe. He extended the longest ladder he could find into the deep, dark hole I had dug myself. He helped me to help myself.

My parents do not know about any of this, save for the depression. They chose to ignore it, thinking my 2 years of hell was a phase that I would snap out of. 

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