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Struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety. The last week has been unbearable for me. All my coping mechanisms have failed me. I feel like there is a swarm of bees attacking and stinging me , gnawing away at me. After years of dealing with feeling low i'm pretty comfortable with my darkest thoughts but this time its different. Not dark. Just nothing.
I feel completely numb to everything – nothing there at all.
I can't figure out why I feel like this, i've stopped feeling anything. After years of coping the best way I can I feel that it has finally gotten the better of me.
It started when I lost focus and felt uneasy with everything. Couldn't read anything because my mind would wander aimlessly, stopped listening to music because I couldn't enjoy it. Productivity at work is nearly zero because my mind has gone to shit. Can't even write any more, that's my one passion and I feel nothing about it. Can write a few lines but nothing more than that and just give up. Somewhere along the line I have lost it.
I'm not suicidal, although I think the world would be better off without me. I've never seriously considered suicide. I can't even keep my thoughts straight and think im probably rambling even now.
I don't dream anymore
I don't smoke anymore
I don't even have a story anymore
I'm ugly without you
I'm dirty without you
Like an orphan in a dormitory
I don't want
To live my life anymore
My life stops when you leave
I don't have a life anymore
And even my bed
Becomes a station platform
When you leave...
The reason why I'm writing in this is not only for carthatic reasons, but to also see if there is someone out there who would understand the obscurity of the knotted bundle of thoughts that comes and goes every so often in my mind. I know you're probably thinking that everyone is like this and that people usually often figure things out and everything is okay at the end. But that happens...