i feel like a pathetic person!!

i feel like a dissapointment, a failure of a person and pathetic. i was put on antidepressants, whilst on them i turned into a completely different person, i didnt feel like me anymore, and i feel like such a failure because i kissed my boyfriends friend who is also my mates boyfriend, i just cant understand why i did it?!? i dont even fancy the guy. it just happened and ever since i have hated myself, i feel like hurting myself, i would never have cheated on my boyfriend i love him so so much!! ive been told about bipolar/depression and cheating, ive read about it, and even though i was ill and not myself i still feel like shit everyday, my depression is back, though i took myself off the antidepressants. i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont feel like i can cope, i tried talking to my partner but he just gets annoyed with me for bringing it up again, but i have literally noone to talk to. he thinks because i feel bad it means im not telling him something, but ive told him everything. its hurting me so much inside because i never wanted to hurt my boyfriend, and i did! i nearly lost him!! some days i feel like i am drowning, but i just feel noone would understand even if i did have someone to talk to. that isnt the only thing getting me down, its having a house thats falling apart that im too depressed to even tidy, i cry about that everyday too!! i just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be alright. so many things floating around in my head, sometimes i cry for no reason at all. i also keep thinking about my dad who i lost when i was 11, so many things bringing me down. i just qant my boyfriend understood how im feeling!!! being depressed is so horrible, i just wanna hide away!! even though people are feeling worse than me, or even the same, you still feel like noone would understand, and just judge you. im sick of feeling weak, down, sad. only thing keeping me happy is my boyfriend who i nearly lost!! i just want to scream!!! i want things to be back to normal, before i needed antidepressants in the first place!! :(

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