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When I got engaged at the end of November, I thought I would be super excited to start planning my wedding. About 30 hours after the engagement, I flew out of town to a conference. Two days after that, my mom called me and in a conference center in Canada I learned my mother was sick. One week later, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer which was followed by surgery a month after that. I spent three weeks away from my fiance, taking care of my mom. During this time, my fiance not once asked me how I was doing and how I was dealing with the pain and burden. He did take care of my cat for which I am internally greatful but I could not help but feel alone.
Now, as my mother determines her next steps in treatment, I am trying to find the excitement in the wedding planning process, but I just cannot. I am dealing with concerns about my own health (I may be in a similar situation to my mom), and the wedding is the furthest thing from my mind. Part of me just wants to go to city hall and get married and not deal with any of this, or delay for another year (so we would get married in 2018). Another part wants to pack up and move to New Zealand, and leave everything behind. I have never been one for commitment, and as marriage nears, I am feeling myself want to run away.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. I am sad and lonely, and what I thought would be an amazing experience, has turned out to be more depressing than anything else.
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I hope your mom is ok currently and that you aren't feeling too stressed out.
I've always found that if deep down I wanted to run away from something, normally the situation or person I wanted to run from wasn't for me and I knew it deep down. Marriage is something that can be an overwhelming thought but it is a serious thing and if you have doubts then I would really think about what you want from the relationship and life. If they are different then try and address where things need to change.
Best wishes to you, your mom and your cat, hope you feel a bit better soon x
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