I am not sure how much of an effort these posts commonly take

I can't remember what it is to be wanted. I mean I might, as not being wanted, being a giant hateful needy garbage ball would be benificial  from a purely attention point of view.


I can't remember how it felt to be wanted, except for being wanted in a way where the people around me know I am suicidal so they feel a need to aprietate me because they are scared I might do something. That I am fragile. I feel preceptve enough even when I am very drunk to see that it is a concern out of want, even though it very well may be an actual want. However, when you know that you haven't done anything really productive, anything that would have value that would make someone want you in literally half a year, how are you suppose to put value to yourself.


I have tried to feel wanted, but to do so is to invoke a memory of when I felt the best I ever have. When I was without doubt. And that past dwelling, as well as a reminder of the person who made me feel that way is my exact envoker of depression. Knowing I will never feel so important to another person without knowing that it is so easily lost, or dependant on someone elses faith in me. Knowing my happiness was dependant on making somone else happy has destroyed my self worth in so many ways. I don't think I've explained myself here, but even now even with as much stuff I've dranken to forget I still have a hope that this pathetic message will change  minds of someone who has long forgotten about me and would give me a future I couldn't take because of my incompetence

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