Last year was the worst year of my life. I fell in love with a man who broke me when I discovered he was only using me for sex while waiting for his ex to get back with him. I'd never been in love before. The pain was so utterly horrific I turned to drink and starved myself. My sister's husband cheated on her at exactly the same time and my family told me that they could 'only deal with one crisis'. I became so lonely that I started walking the streets drunk and was raped three times. I started making myself sick and have been bulimic now for 11 months. I tried online dating and ended up being hurt again. I was so desperate that I agreed to do whatever I was asked, then when he got bored he found someone else and stopped contacting me. Later I met someone and told him I wasn't interested, and he asked to stay friendly. He was clearly desperate and lonely and I felt sorry for him as I know what its like to feel like that. But he turned out to have horrible views about women and was a heavy drug user. One night he assaulted me. 

At Christmas I decided to stop drinking and have been sober since then. I'm unable to tell my family as every time I try to ask them for some help they laugh exasperatedly and complain that they have other things to do. I have only one friend who thinks he is supportive, but he is never available to talk and rarely shows up when he says he'll come over. If I do tell him what is happening he insinuates its my own fault, and that we all have problems. If I don't tell him but it comes out later he is offended that I felt I couldn't ask for help at the time. I try not to tell people what I feel but things get so bad that I can't help it sometimes, and then I just feel so guilty for upsetting them when they have their own things to worry about.

I currently have no money and am struggling with BDD and illness caused by the bulimia. A huge amount of my hair has fallen out and I lost 8 stone in a year so I'm saggy. I am ashamed to leave the house without a scarf around my face and my hood up. My shoes finally fell apart in the bad weather so I've been wearing sandals for a few weeks. They have started to fall apart too so I will be housebound once they die. I've had no food in the house for the past two days and this morning attempted to buy some, but my card was declined. I had a panic attack and had to leave my shopping there.

I've barely got out of bed for three weeks. I walk two dogs for a woman at the end of the village but I can't manage both as they're terrible on the lead. My dad usually comes to walk them with me but this week he had to pick up my niece for my sister as her brother has just had his tonsils out and she has a stuffy nose, so needs to be kept away from him. He told me this twenty minutes before I was supposed to leave and I had a huge panic attack. I asked if he could wait just ten minutes before leaving and just maybe pick them up for me so they could spend the time with me at the house, but he'd already left and never got my reply. I had to walk them alone in gale force wind and torrential rain. My clothes don't fit and I didn't have a hand free to hold up my trousers so every few steps I had to stop and try to get the dogs to stop pulling for a second so I could grab my waistband. It was even worse as I had to pick up their poop with both leads wrapped around my wrists and ended up getting it all over my hand, so I had crap all down my trousers from pulling them up as well. When I got home I had earache and now I have a fever and can't stop coughing. That night I got a message from him just saying could I look after their dogs while they took my niece out for the day. I ignored it.

My mum let herself in yesterday because I'd not replied the day before, and because I wasn't expecting her I'd not cleared away the evidence of my bulimia. She thought I had a stomach bug and wouldn't let me come down the stairs to see her in case she caught it and passed it onto my niece. She left quickly saying she was sorry but the 'sick little girl' was priority. I burst into tears as she left and she heard me but left in silence.

My friend shut down his WhatsApp account without telling me, and it looked like I'd been blocked. I sent him a sheepish message just to apologise if I'd said something I shouldn't and hoped he was OK. He replied by telling me it was obvious he'd not blocked me, and I should have known that. He said 'you've got to stop doing this', which mystified me as I had no idea what he meant by that, but when I apologised and tried to gently say that he hadn't told me he was going to uninstall I wouldn't have known he stopped talking to me. Sometimes I look back over message logs and just can't see what I've said that has upset him. It must be me because it happens so often. With others as well, but I'm struggling to find what I'm doing wrong. Top priority is always making sure I'm not a nuisance and I make as much of an effort as possible to see all sides, but I must have a blind spot? I just don't know anymore. All I know is I'm tired. I'm doing nothing but sleep and cry these days. I've left so much out of this post now I look back at it. But I just can't face any more of it. I'm looking at the publish button and the thought of pressing it is making me feel sick and guilty. 

User Comments
Anon-1 Don't feel sick and guilty, we all have problems, and what I've realised is that some of us need to speak about things more than others, others can manage to keep everything in, I can relate to you very much as I need to speak, or would at least like to speak to people, but always end up thinking I've spoken way too much, and that on top of their problems they've got mine. But you know what i think now is that, if any of my friends needed to talk to me I really would be more than willing to listen, no matter how awful or long they were talking, because I think when you suffer something, no matter if it seems like nothing, but to you it is something big, I really feel like it gives you more empathy for other people. Because I also think these days the only way to have real empathy is if you've gone through something that really touches your soul in the most shittest way. Also I have bdd too, I've had it for 10 years and I'm 23. I really want to go on and on, but please know you are not alone, I don't know who you are, but im praying for you, just as I pray for myself. I hope that doesn't offend you me saying that, but you're obviously hurt and the only thing I feel I can do to make a diffence is that. Please take care, and I hope you feel loved, because sometimes I feel knowing you're loved can really heal wounds of all sorts. But know you're not alone, please