confessions // disturbed relation to sex

There are many things in my life that i had and have been struggling with.

At the moment i am in recovery from an eating disorder, and it is the first time i really come to connect to myself and who i truly am - despite all those hardships, weaknesses and demons.

Yet there are unspoken things, secrets that drain all the life out of me. I discover them slowly, releasing shell after shell, leaving me with the raw, bare, painful truth.

The issue i want this writing to be about is sexuality, gender and everything that comes with it.

When i was a little kid i often wished to be a boy. Since my teenage years i discovered i like girls, but until now i was too terrified of it. I couldn't allow myself to accept and embrace it.

When i was a little kid a friend of mine forced me to "have sex" with him - meaning he would stick his tiny penis in my tiny vagina. The act itself was not the bad thing. The bad thing was how much it scared me, fucked me up, hurt and damaged my sense of self. Ever since then, sex has been a highly scary topic for me. I have never really had the courage to talk about it; i remember telling my mum and her not believing me. I remember telling my best friend, years and years later when we were teenagers, drunk in the bathroom of a club. I still don't know if she remembers.

The first time i "had sex" was with a boy i tried to tell myself i loved. I was desperately lonely and had no sense of self, felt worthless in every cell of my being. I did not want to have sex but i did not have the courage to tell him to stop. It hurt incredibly much and he never really was inside of my body.

The second time was with a guy i found cute. However, i was still terrified of sex and i had no intention of actually sleeping with him. I was dumb, tricking myself i wouldn't have to sleep with him even if he joined my best friend and me to sleep at hers. However, we came to have sex and i wanted to yell and scream and escape but i remained still. 

Drenched in shame. Drenched in fear. Drenched in pain.

We did not even use a condom and i didn't even have the courage to say anything about that. 

The next time was with a boy i actually fell in love with. He made everything okay again. However, medically, i was still a virgin. Even we didn't "make" it. You know what i mean by "it". 

After that came a long time of nothingness. I was consumed by my eating disorder and everything involving love, connection and touch would scare the fuck out of me.

Two years later, i fell in love with another boy and had a very short, very passionate thing with him. I wanted to finally let go of being afraid of sex and tried to sleep with him. He, however, noticed that something was not right and we ended up talking about it. He confessed he did not actually have feelings for me, and then it sort of ended.

Yesterday night, i kind-of-slept with another boy i am not in love with at all. He isn't, either and part of me found thaf truly liberating. Actually we just wanted to cuddle but in the middle of the night i woke up with a desire to touch him even closer. So we did.

I feel so ashamed. I feel like i only ever consist of failure and worthlessness. Every human being on this earth can have sex. Why can't i? Why am i so afraid? After all this time?

Why do i feel so ashamed? Why do i feel like i fuck up fucking all the time?

I am an incredibly passionate person. Which is why i let myself get sucked into physical desires so easily, and often without thought.

What is sin?

What am i worth?

What is left of me?

User Comments
Anon-1

It might all stem back to your experiences as a child and I would suggest that although it will be difficult to discuss, getting some professional help may help you move past these feelings.  You are not a failure and shouldn't think that you are.  I hope you are able to work things out soon.