Hurt by unnecessary cruelty by the last person I ever thought would behave in such a way.

Hard to know where to start with this but just so helpful to get it all out.  I suppose the beginning is as good as anywhere.

So, I've been with my husband since the age of 17, married him at 20 and so have been married for more than 31 years now. I wasn't sure what to expect from marriage but at the time it seemed very exciting to set up home with someone who I loved and who I thought loved me.  The first few years were happy and after 5 years we decided to have a child.  My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage but the following year I had a baby girl and we were delighted.  I was so smitten with my little one and happy in my role as a stay at home mother.  My daughter was my whole life as my husband had taken a job that took him away from home several nights a week. But that was fine because it was a role that he had always wanted since I first met him, plus it was very well paid. So life continued happily until we decided to have another child. We tried and tried over a period of three years, with the following three pregnancies ending in miscarriage.  To say this was a difficult period is really stating the obvious. Anyway after four miscarriages the hospital decided they'd test us to see what the problem was and they discovered that my husband carried a genetic fault.  This must have been upsetting for him but he never discussed it, instead he said he'd like us to have a baby by donar which is what we did.  So I went along to our local fertility clinic, alone, paid our £1k and got pregnant on the first shot.  Eight months and one week later I gave birth to another beautiful daughter. So now I had my two daughters, eight years apart but that worked out fine.  I had a husband who was working hard, who I felt had been so generous by wanting me to have a donar baby.  I honestly felt so happy and blessed after such a horrible period of miscarriages and trying to get pregnant.

But that was blown out of the water 18 months later when on holiday I had to go into my husband's wallet for some cash and found an unusual business card.  I questioned him about it and it turned out to be the business card of a prostitute that he had been visiting unknown to me.  Difficult to write now as all those feelings have flooded back, even though this episode happened 16 years ago! The hurt was incredible!  That he could betray me and our family in this way!  That he could spend money like this instead of on his children! That he could treat other women as commodities and with such disrespect.  Disgusted, hurt, let down........a myriad of feelings.  But I stayed with him because my youngest daughter was just a baby and because I felt it was the right thing to do.  He went for counselling for a couple of months, until that became too painful for him and he confided in me, for the first time, that he had been hit as a child by his mother and he now realised that this had helped him acquire a taste for violent sex.  I knew he liked a certain type of sex but having only had him as a boyfriend I thought it was all normal.  I now realised that there was more to it since he said he'd gone to prostitutes rather than have that type of sex with me.  I kept all of this secret, didn't even tell my family so that his reputation of a super family man remained untarnished.

So he promised me that he would never ever let me or the children or the family down again.  And I believed him and trusted him totally.  He still worked away from home all of this time and I never once had reason to doubt that he was working hard.  Anything I or the girls wanted was ours and we appreciated everything that we had.  Then two years ago, me and the youngest daughter went to New York for a few days and on our return my eldest daughter told me how she'd met one of my husband's female colleagues.  She said she (unusually) didn't like her and was adament that she would not be spending any more time on the colleagues subsequent visit to our town a few weeks later.  I thought it was odd that my daughter hadn't liked this person but didn't think about it too much.  Then in January 2014 my eldest daughter became ill and I was preoccupied with her illness (undiagnosed at that point) when my husband announced that he and the colleague would be attending a language course that summer, in a town close to where we have a holiday home (it was my dream since a child to have a holiday home in this region and he made it possible for me several years ago).  He said they would both be staying at our home while attending the course.  Everything was booked that January for them to go on the course the following July.  I hadn't even met the colleague with whom I was expected to spend 18 days with on my family holiday so I told him I wasn't happy with that but it made no difference.  He told me I was being unreasonal and selfish. Anyway several weeks later my daughter finally got a diagnosis (a serious illness but not life threatening) and we were able to go ahead with a big family party that had been planned months previously as a joint celebration for my 50th birthday and our 30th Wedding Anniversary.  The evening of the party arrived and we all got ourselves ready, relieved that the eldest daughter was now receiving treatment, and we headed into town for our party.  All our families were there, friends from over the years and neighbours.  He had also invited several colleagues, one of whom was the person I was expected to go on holiday with.  Anyway I met this girl (she was only four years older than my eldest daughter) and took an instant dislike (unlike me) to her.  She spoke in an annoying baby voice and was jumping up and down and I remember thinking what the hell!!!!!  So the following day I told him that I couldn't spend my holiday with this girl, that I didn't like her.  He was so cross with me, told me how nasty I was because the colleague had had such a bad life apparently.  She had told him that she had been thrown out of home as a teenager, that her best friend (who had been at my party) was dying, that she was a self harmer, that her friend had committed suicide and that a whole family she had known, had been murdered. He told me that she was coming and that was that, she was his friend and I was being horrible to her.  So I thought ok maybe I was being a little harsh. It was a case of putting up with the situation because he could shout loudest.

Months rolled on and since he worked hours away from home I never came into contact with this girl.  But I knew I didn't like her, knew that I didn't like whatever relationship they had together and I knew that I didn't want her in my holiday home.   So July arrived and I set off on the 2 day drive to our holiday home, just me and the dog.  So I spent those first few days alone (with the dog) getting the house ready and I was really excited to see him yet dreading her coming. Anyway arrive they did!  Both came over to me at a restaurant where we'd arranged to meet, skipping like a pair of teenagers, she was acting like it was a done deal!  I had obviously had my doubts about their relationship but since I never got to see them together it was difficult to confirm it, especially with him telling me there was nothing untoward. All it took though was for me to spend some time with them both together although in fact it was evident they were intimate within minutes of their arrival..... the way they both came up to me, skipping like a pair of idiots, the way he chose to sit next to her rather than by me and afterwards, the way they walked off together to their hire car, leaving me to walk alone in the dark across the car park to my car.  Once arriving at the house I watched him, proud as punch, carrying both his and her suitcase from the car up to the house......another sign.

The following day they both got up before me and when I arose an hour or so later they were both in the kitchen together making breakfast.  I'm used to having people stay at my house and I like them to make themselves at home but this was different.  I'd have been in the way had I stepped into the kitchen that morning.  So I went outside, feeling sick to the pit of my stomach and a minute later he came out, calling me baby and offering to get me breakfast but I told him no, that I had stress pains in my stomach. He chose to ignore that thought and still brought me coffee and a bun.

So over the period of the next few hours she and I chatted (I was trying to make an effort to be nice to her!) I asked about her background, looked for signs of self harm, asked about friend's illness - all the stuff he'd told me about.  But there wasn't a mark on her and when I asked about her being thrown out, she answered that she had left home at 18 -  "left" isn't being thrown out!  And "18" isn't ridiculously young! So that immediately didn't add up.  I then asked about her sick friend but she couldn't tell me the name of the friend's illness which I thought unbelieveably odd!  If my friend had a life threatening illness I would certainly know its name and everything about it!  The other stories that she had told him also didn't make sense and so I was, by now feeling even more uneasy around this over-confident girl.  Also, he had previously told me that apparently she and I also had a lot of interests in common so I asked her about those but she quickly changed subjects every time.  Eventually in the afternoon we decided to go out.  She went to get ready and as she was stood in the entrance to her bedroom, just as I and my husband were passing, she bent over with her feet apart, to show us her knickers.  At first I thought she must have done this by accident although I've never known any other woman ever do this intentionally (was like looking at a pornographic image), but then she did it again a few minutes later.  I was so confused at this point, felt absolutely sickened that she could behave in this way.  Anyway we went out and she said she wanted to go for a walk so he and I lay on the grass next to each other.  A few minutes passed and she reappeared, talking to us both but standing at my head, with her feet wide apart so I could see straight up her dress.  Now I knew that she was making sure that I was in no doubt what my husband was getting! 

That night I confronted him and at first he denied it but then eventually confessed that they'd been having a sexual relationship for months and that he loved her. So afterwards I lay awake in bed, comtemplating what I would do.  My whole world had been turned upside down but I had to think clearly and rationally and not do anything in haste that I might regret later.  So in the early hours of the day I heard her get up to the toilet and I went and confronted her!  I had decided overnight not to hit her but I had planned exactly what I was going to say to her!  So standing about a centimetre from her face I screamed at her to f*** off out of my house! I demanded to know why, all the time in her face, she had thought it ok to behave as she had.  But she didn't flinch once!  28 years old!  and in the house of her 52 year old boyfriend with his wife yet she wasn't bothered by that at all. I made her pack her bags in 2 minutes and then we drove her 25 minutes to the nearest tram stop.  During that 25 minute trip she didn't utter one word!  No sorry or anything. Once at the tram stop I made her lift her bag out of the car and off she went.  


So now I carry around the wounds inflicted on me by the man that I have loved since I was a teenager. Its a massive burden!  All my energies and efforts over the years, and love had gone into creating a family with this man and he had disrespected me, and allowed his girlfriend to disrespect me in a way that no one else has even come close to.  To say that he has hurt me is a massive understatement.  I have no words to describe the pain that this man to whom I gave everything I had, has put me through.  I know its bad that he even had the relationship with her, but the fact that he thought it was ok to flaunt it in front of me and our daughters and family and friends, is really so difficult for me to come to terms with. I just don't understand such cruelty.  I have questioned him about his motives and he now tells me that he wanted our daughters to meet her and get to know and like the girlfriend "ready for when he left" me.  I honestly don't think this man and his girlfriend could have hurt me any more, had they beaten me up and left me to die in a corner.  We are still together though because I'm not sure that I would be happier without him since we've been together so long.  Some days I don't think I can carry on with life since he rubbished everything I stand for and then I have better days and I carry on for my daughters and my dog.  

Thank you for reading my story. 

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