My life went to shit

In fall of 2014 I went to college full of hope and excitement. I hadn't been diagnosed with anything because mental health is something you absolutely never talk about in rural Wyoming. After going to classes and being unable to function, I started seeing a counselor. She diagnosed me with ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder. A few weeks after this diagnosis, I started making friends for the first time in six years. I'm not going to say that I started hanging with the wrong crowd or anything, but as a friend group, we all started doing a ton of drugs. Only one of us passed all of their classes for the semester, and I was the only one to receive a passing grade in one of my classes. The next semester started out with everyone in our friend group high as fuck. For the first week of classes, we thought that we all had found a happy medium between drugs and school. Then my closest friend out of the group died. He had a heart attack on some research chemical. 

I was devastated. I had experienced death before, but this was different. I had just hung out with him hours before he died. I managed to keep on top of my studies, and I moved out of the dorms into a safer environment. A month later, at the end of February, my dad died. I stayed sober for two months or so, then I started compulsively abusing pot and LSD, as well as anything else that floated my way. After a month and a half of this craziness, I was raided by the police and busted with a felony amount of LSD in my apartment. The only friends that I had left were in that apartment with me, and to this day I am not allowed to speak to them. I was charged with four felonies, but I recently accepted a plea bargain where I plead guilty to just possession. After I was arrested, I was bailed out, and I began to use anything I could get my hands on. I took what was once drug abuse, and turned it into an addiction. I was trying to self medicate, and it wasn't working. All of this just drove my anxiety higher. I started seeing a counselor, and she diagnosed me with chronic depression. It explained a lot. I went to rehab a month or so later, and I have been battling soul crushing anxiety and depression since. Medication has barely helped, and to make matters worse, the judge presiding over my case is a bully. Plain and simple. I was bullied throughout high school, and when I thought that I finally escaped it, my almost nonexistent confidence was ground out of existence. 

I don't think I know what happiness is anymore. All of my feelings have been replaced by either anxiety or depression. I don't know who I am anymore, I just want this to end. I want to be happy again. I want to genuinely smile, but whenever I think about it, I can't shake the thoughts of impending doom. I can't go to prison and have a felony. I'll be a husk of a man.. If I don't die in what this frozen wasteland calls a prison. 

User Comments

That sounds so tough - I'm really sorry about your friend. Are you still seeing the counselor? To me it sounds like you need more help to deal with your loss and the fallout from it. Genuinely hope that you are able to work through this x