I'm a young man living in England. I have never been able to cconnect to anyone. I don't feel like a human I feel like i'm half formed. I have suffered horrible trauma in my past with the death of a family member and i'm terrified of dying. Recently something awful has happened to me and I feel like the only to options ahead of me are either suicide or living a life that is utterly ruined. I have no one to help me. I am very scared and alone and I just want things to be ok. I would like to lead a happy life and maybe start a family or have a big group of friends who I can truly connect to. All I can see in my future however is sadness and rejection. I have tried very had not to be a bad person but it always seems that I do the wrong thing. I think that I suffer from an illness of some sort in my mind as I have terrible panic attacks and extreme low mood. I catastrophise all the time, I think that the very worst thing will happen to me and my family. I think that I am going to hell when I die but I cant think of a reason why it is just something that I know inside my gut. I think that I was born a very corrupted thing and I wish that I could change my mind and body with anyone else. I think many of these problems stem from the death of my family member who was my brother. He hung him self when he was very young, he had not reached his twentieth birthday. I miss him so much but I find it hard to remember his voice and the features of his face. I think of what he might be doing now if he was alive, if he might have found someone to fall in love with and have a family. I realise that death takes away all opportunity for joy and happiness but this life seems so terrible, so awful that I feel I can understand why people choose to take their own lives. I wis there was a group of people that I could talk to to make this all better but there isn't. This post here seems inconsequential, maybe one or two people will look at it. I hope that this gives me relief but I really feel as if it wont. At least I tried and that is the only thing I can do.

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Hello, sorry you have felt so alone. Have you spoken to a Doctor or professional, I know its daunting but they can help you.  They helped me get over the death of a family member and I never thought I would recover so I know it can help.  Can you talk to your family about getting help?

Anon-2 Hello "friend" I myself have gone through almost everything you have described. You are not alone in the world. I lost my mother at the age of thirteen. She was sick all my life but lost her to an accidental drug overdose. It was very sudden and shocking. It literally sent me into a form of shock. My life immediatly afterwards became a catastrophic mess. I was very depressed and because of this depression more bad things continued to happen to me. I couldnt seem to get a break from life. I would also fantasize what life would be like with my mother still around. The things we would do together, the places we would see, the possibility of her getting better. These thoughts only sent me into a deeper spiral of depression. It took me many years to finally realize that I needed help. My biggest regret in life is not seeking help sooner. Seeking help reprograms your thought process and allows you to realize things get better. It allows you to move on and not seem like you're "stuck in the past". Most importantly THINGS DO GET BETTER. Alot of it is a state of mind. The more positive thinking you have the more positive things happen in your life. And even if it sounds cheesy "Time does heal all wounds." I can't say that I have a huge group of friends but I have gained very valuable close friendships. Which in my opinion is much better than being popular. They understand me and love me for the person I am today. I've gained these friendships through being honest with myself. I think you would be surprised at how understanding some people can be. You will also encounter people who cant handle your past and thats ok. However you will find people out there who will understand and appreciate you. Positivity going your way!