I don't want to be this victims.

I don't want my life to be defined by my sexual abuse. Everyone tells me to go to counselling, but obsessing over the thoughts makes it worse and I end up feeling permanently damaged. I feel that having rape and trauma counselling would make me feel stigmatised and different to other people when I just want to move on and be the same. But some days it's hard. There are times I want to go back to my ex boyfriends. As no one else was in the relationship, they don't realise how insidious the abuse was. I didn't pick them because "I want to be hurt" or I'm a doormat or any of those other tropes. I picked them because they were nice to me and I thought they loved me. I didn't realise that our relationship was toxic until it was hard to leave. I tried to fix the relationships like you would a normal one; compromise, chances, empathy. But in an abusive setup thst doesn't work. I struggled to realise I was being abused because it seemed like something from a book or TV and not my life. If I accused the men of abuse, they denied and minimised it. Now I know better; but some days I find the memories hard to lice with and want to vent to a friend. And they tell me i need counselling. Like they want to stop hearing about it and push it onto a professional. It makes me feel ashamed, like my life is too much for others to handle or they find it distasteful.

User Comments
Anon-1

hey im sorry you have been through so much, my heart goes out to you. Its tough dealing with trauma on your own and as hard or pointless as it may seem to you, therapy really can help. I'd urge you to reconsider your thoughts on that and look into it.