when you finally break.

I have been struggling with depression for two years now, I am borderline and I have an eating disorder. I lived in a cycle mode where I push very hard to distract myself from my emotions and thoughts and binges until I caved it. I'd lose weight and I'd gain more and every breakdown was worse than the other. 

I thought leaving my dads place would save me because he is the reason behind my misery. I grew up without any iaffection and with a lot of abuse. So I left and I went to a foreign country and I almost became homeless, I couldn't speak the language, I did not make any friends and k had to do everything on my own. I am such a little girl for this world and I cannot handle it all by myself. I was told I had touch deprivation and got sick many times because my immunity was very low. I used to exercise because I believed it was an anti depressant, I was hopeful. Until one day, I get a call that my dad kicked my mom and my sister out of the house. Until I received a notice that if I don't have a flat soon, I will be living with the homeless in a shelter. 

I have a big issue with body image and weight loss. I had gained so much weight while starving and binging. My family was falling apart and I was stuck between four walls because my flatmate was an older passive aggressive woman that took control of me because I am very submissive. 

It has become a struggle to get out of bed ever since, and eat anything that is good, I look at my hands and I feel so ugly. I hurt myself, I thought about ways to end my life. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I used to be the girl that everyone thought had too much energy and laughed a lot. I used to be the pretty skinny girl with the most genuine smile ever. I used to wake up and do yoga and make smoothies and jog and play with dogs.

now I wake up and I wish I never had. I wake up wishing someone would just come and hug me, I crave for someone to pick me up and listen to me cry. I cry for help to my mom but she does not understand, she tells me I like making her miserable. She doesn't see that I am slowly losing who I am forever. I cannot remember the last time I had a good time without looking at my body every while. I am going back to my country now, but I am so scared that everyone will see me because I am fat. I told people I will see them only when I am ready. I thought about getting hospitalIzed a lot here, but ambulances scare me. I am alone and lonely and I know every one deserves to be loved but why would anyone love me. I am fat and ugly and hopeless. I had a happy spirit, now I am just so ugly. 

I quit my class and I quit my job and I quit gym and I have been in bed for weeks. The only time I go out is so I can buy more food to feel better because I haven't gotten a humans affection in months. Humans should not live alone. I don't want to participate in anything anymore. And I don't want to try again. I have been trying for two years but I can't anymore. There is no more light. 

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey, have you spoken to someone about your body image issues? Its probably key to starting to move forward. These people are UK based (not sure where you are) https://www.b-eat.co.uk/ but they may be able to point you in the direction of someone closer to you.

I know how lost you feel, I've been there but it is possible to recover. The main thing to do is take care of yourself and get help for your issues. Sometimes you can be too strong for too long on your own and need some help, there's no shame in that.