How do I break the cycle?

I'd like to think of myself as an intellectual. I know I'm smart, or at least relatively so, when regarded along with the people around me. So I am very much aware of what is happenning: The small things bother me, and the more I analyze them the more daunting they become. After a while they're not so small anymore, at least in my mind. And then I am aware of how it must appear from the outside, how so much simpler it is for everyone else. I imagine now how harsh their judgment would be of me, of how small I am in their eyes now. And now it becomes a burden, and the more time that passes the heavier it gets. So now I try to outrun it. I lie about being ok. I put on an armor of nonchalance, a smiling mask of reassurance. I can't let them worry about me. Like how my burden started, I am also small. I don't matter. Until I can't lie anymore, I can't run anymore, and my worst fears become true: I am a failure now both in their eyes and in mine. 

Why do I bother? Better to not try, better to forget even the smallest things. Better to let go, to stop trying.

User Comments

Hey - I'm like you, the trouble is with a certain level of intelligence is your brain is used to over analysing and it is really hard to break the cycle.  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you adjust your thinking and recognise when you are over analysing thoughts that are purely thoughts. Have you looked into that? It helped me.