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Everyday I wake up following the same routine, I get up 2 hours eariler than the time that I have to leave my house for school and start off my morning by finding my clothes. Al though I do spend about an hour at night just deciding on what I want to wear for the next day, I will end up hating it in the morning, it will never fit right there is always something wrong. So I go on shuffling through my closet and trying on every outfit I own, my floor is covered in a matter of 5 minutes, I never have my outfit planned and it just becomes frustating so I continue onto my makeup, once I apply my makeup which roughly takes 30 mintues every morning I can not touch my face whatsoever, nor do I allow myself to eat because of the possibilites of getting a bloated face and I can not stand it. I also either straighten or curl my hair as well as I can get it to be, this will always to make 30 minutes to an hour to do. I do many mirror side checks, I repetively check my hair on both sides to make sure they look the exact same on both sides and I will stricly countinue to do it until it is as perfect as I can get it to be. I then usually have around 10 minitues left before school starts at this time and then here comes the clothes issue again, I will run back and fourth to try and choose an outfit but my body imagine never fails to disappoint me. 3 out of 5 mornings I will choose to not leave my house, I often can not get myself to do it. I have a break down and hate myself over and over. I do this thing that I personally have never heard anyone do before; I set my phone on a shelve everyday and I video record myself every single day, I walk in the distance of the camera and view every angle of myself and then I approach closer to the camera and do the same moves, I repeativly watch the video I have made of myself around 50 times a day, including the day befores and maybe even last weeks, I never delete them. If I really bad on one day I will still rewatch it months and even years later and still torture myself for being seen like it, I have marked videos from 2013 that I still watch and hurt myself over. I can't enjoy life anymore, I spend my weekends watching the videos I have made and I torture myself over and over again. I also obsessively go onto models instagrams and compare myself probably a total of 10 hours a day. I find myself constanly back and fourth from my videos and pictures to other peoples photos. I'm honestly terrified of the world, everytime I walk by a group of people, not even just a group even just an individual I will feel judged, even when I know 110% a person really likes me, the voice in my head haunts me and tells me otherwise so much to the point that I believe it and keep my distance. I feel like I lose out on so many people in my life because I am just to insecure and self aware to even apporach them. I can be sitting in a room full of people, at a party or wherever and my main focus will constanly be worrying about how I look. I am constanly looking for mirrors, I will use anything, Car windows, windows from stores and every reflection possible you will catch me looking, even if I am in the deepest conversation I will still glance apon my apperance while walking by a reflection. There is honestly so many great oppurtunities that I have missed out on in my life because of pyshical apperance holding me back. I've lost friends because I swear I have came up with every excuse in the world just to not leave my house. I feel so trapped, my apperance haunts me. I aim for perfection, I am a pure out perfectionist when it comes to my looks and I know that but I am just so sick of it controling me and holding me back from everything. I wish I honestly knew how to live without torturing myself constantly, I lose sleep over thinking about what I wore yesterday and last week, how I look from the side and the front to the back. I never eat in front of people, I always have to make sure I eat when the day is done meaning no one will see me anymore, during the day I will not eat incase I end up getting bloated, I've had so many eating problems and disorders because of this, I also have obsessive excersing issues because of it. I study myself to no good, I am honestly exhausted over my own thoughts, I feel so trapped.
Have you had any professional help with this issue? I think that it is important that you speak to someone regarding this. This link may be of use http://bddfoundation.org/
I hope things get easier for you x
Hello everyone , I will tell you all my story , and What my problem is at the very end. So please feel free to skip whatever you like to skip .
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