My life has been terrible for years

Choosing where to start here is difficult. I've always been socially anxious. I suffer from Psoriatic Arthritis and Spondylosis and it has been out of control for two years. My pain is severe and I just abuse my painkillers, I'm completely dependant on them. 



Three years ago, to this day actually, my dad died of COPD. I spent a horrendous 48 hours at his side as I watched him suffer and die. It haunts me to tanks day. Worst of all is the day before he tried to call me from the hospital and I was asleep. Next day he was out of it and not able to talk.


At the same time all this was happening I started to experience pain in my joints and was diagnosed with Psoriatic arthritis. 


Months later my depression got the better of me and I started self harming. My upper arm is scarred now. During a visit to the hospital for an unrelated gastro issue the specialist picked up on my mood and pushed me into talking about it and I had a breakdown in front of her. Ended up doing CBT but had a bad experience with it and left after a few sessions


A few months later I kinda got better on my own. I stop with the self harm and start to meet new people. 


Okay fast forward to late 2015. I have a job I love and friends for the first time. However I start to feel really alone. At this point I'm a 25 year old virgin that has never even kissed a girl. Then my high school crush asks me if I want to catch up. It's been 10 years but I agree. We got on amazingly well. After a few weeks I knew that I was in love with her, she said she loved me. Ended up sleeping with her a few times and then I discovered she was in a long term relationship. I was crushed and extremely angry. I felt better when I was still a virgin. 


Now a few weeks later I have my first girlfriend. She was beautiful and incredibly fun, but she suffers from bipolar, a lot of the time she was impossible. She just snaps sometimes. 


At this time my depression is back. I am spending all my time either in work or in bed. My painkiller abuse gets worse and I start to become a really obnoxious person. I hate myself and others are starting to dislike me because of my attitude. 


A week before Christmas my nan dies. Merry Christmas. 


I start self harming again. I'm burning myself now with cigarettes. My hand is scarred for life and I had to go the hospital when it got infected. 


I'm now experiencing paranoia, mostly of a night time. I spent half an hour the other night looking a a parked van outside, my heart racing. I also thought someone was in the house and I sat in my room for over an hour too afraid to go the toilet. I also have weird experiences when I'm about to drift off to sleep. Like the other night I felt like something pushed me, hard. 


Now my grandad has cancer again. He is refusing treatment. It's clear that since my nan died he doesn't want to live. Me and my girlfriend have split up, though we still talk sometimes. I am burning my upper arm now so it's out of sight. My pains getting worst. 


Everything is shit. 

User Comments

wow this is a lot of stuff to have been through. I wanted to let you know I have read your story and I really feel for you. I don't think I would have been able to cope with all this.  Do you see a therapist or counsellor currently? I would need to if I was in your situation.