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I feel like no part of my life is on track. I have been single for 6 months and am unable to find any kind of fulfilling relationship while it feels like other people around me are settling down into long term relationships. I feel so lonely. I was recently taken out of a student teaching placement because the teacher decided that I wasn't up to her standards: issues for me that are largely related to disorganization as well as depression and anxiety. This was a huge shock for me and I feel directionless and don't know what to do.
I have have been looking for work. A guy that I was casually seeing recommended me for an open position where he works and just as I ended things with him because he's looking for a casual hookup while I am looking for a relationship. I really like him but the disparity between our needs was becoming too painful.
I've had two recent occasions where I have been rejected by men I was interested in and started to cry... Alcohol was involved in both of these situations. In the more recent one, a guy I thought was sending me signals (because the supposed signals were pointed out by a friend of mine) ended up flirting with a girl who's also my friend. She asked if it was okay with me if she pursued that. I told her it was and then left and began to cry elsewhere in the bar. I couldn't find my purse and therefore could not leave. She found it for me and walked me home since the guy she flirted with was unavailable that night.
I am am feeling very worthless, useless, and unlikable. I struggle with my weight and wonder if it will keep me from ever finding a relationship even though I want to believe I can find a man who likes me for who I am. I'm starting to believe he's not out there.
I can already see how boring my life is going to be, I am incapable of falling in love, I find nothing enjoyable, I have no talent, the one thing I've ever cared about has been taken from me, the only thing stopping me from ending it is how guilty I feel about hurting my mum like that, I have nothing to offer to the world I wish she could see that and stop loving me so I could just go....
I've hurt him.
But I also want to be the one to comfort him.
It feels like I'm two different people.
One a degenerate and one a lonely boy.
I do things as a degenerate that I hate myself for as a lonely boy.
I want him to leave me, to find better.
But I also want him to stay and we could find a way to somehow fix this.
I know I don't deserve him, but I really do want him.