I'm Sick of Being Myself

I've been holding things in for so long, and I just can't take it anymore.

So. My life story. Where do I start.

Well, I'm a kleptomaniac. I'm also a compulsive liar, so everything on here could be a lie, but if I'm lying, then if I say I'm a liar, is that really lying? I'm stalling, let me begin with the source of my problems, and it's taken me some time to really identify it:

I suck at keeping friends.

And I mean, like, real friends. Friends that I would trust with anything, anything, like, "Dude, I watch porn in the middle of the night and fatasize the same scenarios with you in them," to which they'd reply, "Oh me too!" and it wouldn't even be awkward. Friends that would understand me more than I understood myself, who would understand my insecureties, would understand where the line is, who would genuinely care for me and try to make me feel better about myself. Or something. But then again, these people probably don't exist.

I've never kept a friend for more than three years. And it really bothers me. Like, I had a best friend in third grade. We were tight. Naiive nine-year-old me believed that we'd be friends forever and ever. But as the years went by, we stopped sharing classes and as a result, the time we spent together lessened. During third grade, I went to her house every day. By sixth grade, we only hung out maybe once a month. And things got awkward. I didn't feel comfortable.

Then middle school happened. If my entire life was a book, and each year was a book, there would be two moments (or time periods) of importance: 7th and 8th.

In 6th grade... I was pretty naiive. I didn't realize it then, but my relationship with Friend 1 was failing. F1 gained a friend in Future Popular Girl and slowly my friendship tore apart. Sixth grade was fine, but a month maybe before 7th grade, F1 and I got into this huge fight via facebook. This is kind of nostalgic - I haven't thought about this in years... but it was so stupid because F1's frickin' hamster died, and she messaged me a series of times. The first was [Name of Hamster] died :(. Then the next was this long, all-caps thing like OMG IM SO SAD IVE BEEN CRYING ALL DAY ALACK THE DAY ALACK THE DAY SHE IS DEAD WHAT A HORRIBLE DAY or something like that, I'm lying, she obviously didn't say that, but it was this long eulogy to this hamster's death. But she was vauge enough that I had no idea what she was talking about and I was freaking out like, Holy shit, was her family massacred or something?!?! So I was so concerned like, Omg F1, I'm so sorry but I need to know what's going on, should i call the police, please I want to help you or something but then I scrolled up and read her first message and was like bruh. It's a hamster. And so I think I said, Oh, dude sorry, I thought maybe your dog or parents died, but it was just [Name of Hamster], lol. And yeah, insensitive, I guess, but since then F1 and Future Popular Girl got, like, pissed at me. And just like that, the friendship was over. I remember feeling so betrayed because she deleted me as a friend on facebook. I know, guys - savage. But that was 7thgrade!me.

I mean, this was only two years ago, but I don't really remember too well. But I think that's when I met Friend #2. Well, maybe F1 introduced me to her previously, but I liked F2. She was an extrovert, she was nice, she was cool, she was new. And, bonus, we had the same birthday. Immediately I took a liking to her, and we became best friends. We hung out a lot, we were both in band (a bond I didn't share with F1), shared at least some classes (again, F1 and I didn't share any classes), and dude, she was rich, I later discovered. The fact that she was rich was pretty fucking important, later on.

So yeah, best buds. She was the coolest.

But then. . . I don't know.

I still hung out with F1 after we made up (it wasn't the same, but pretty damn close). I sat with F1 and F2 at lunch, and we got along well. Then. I don't know, I-I can't remember. It's just phases, like I remember events, but not-

Phones. They got phones. F1 and F2. Shit no, wait. Let me explain more. Um. So like, these guys, you gotta understand, these guys were my only friends. These were the fuckers I talked to everyday, the only ones I felt comfortable with. With everyone else, I just didn't want to waste time on them. Like, I talked to them, I was respectful, I was kind, but. . . I didn't care. I knew that I wouldn't be friends with them, and that if I was, it wouldn't last. So I didn't bother? So yeah, I was only really friends with these two.

Okay, this is really difficult to explain. See guys, this is what happens when you don't confront this shit. You forget. Because you don't want to remember. But like, slowly, I changed. I just wasn't like F1 and F2. They were girls who wished and tried to be like the stereotypical popular girl you see in every teen movie. (Oh my god guys I'm disassociating so hard right now like you wouldn't believe like I'm staring at everything that im writing like is this even me, am i writing this, who is friend 1??? does she really exist? this is just a character, right? right???) So they changed, and while they changed, I changed too, but in the opposite way. I became rec - shit.

Dude I have no idea how to explain.

I just - doubted. I doubted the fuck out of everything. I doubted the shit out of life, out of my friends, what was even friendship anyway, do these people matter?? I wish I could tell you why, but I don't remember. I have no idea why I changed, what prompted it. But I did. I changed, I became this person who centered around themselves, who didn't really care about people anymore? who just became silent? who was quiet? who didn't talk, who became very inwardly snooty and superior, dudes, I had this huge superiority complex, I believed i was the best, deserved to be

Holy shit guys. That's it. THAT IS WHY I"VE BEEN FEELING SO FUCKED UP. Let me bold this. I have a superiority complex! This is huge. This is heavy. GREAT FUCKING SCOTT! Subconsciously, or maybe even directly, I'm thinking that I'm the best, that I am and have a right to be the best and everything and that anything else is unnacceptable!!! HOLD ON DUDES, I"LL COME BACK TO THIS IS SWEAR.

So I went through this transition. Meanwhile, F1 and F2 were developing too. They swore more often. They were loud, they were - oh my god. They were exactly as I was. And in return, I switched. I became what F2 was. No, that doesn't make sense. Scratch that.

But kind of?? The point still stands. I became reclusive, shy, internally-superior, self-conscious, and insecure. They turned bitchy, to put it bluntly.

(I'm not bitter, I swear.)
(That's a lie.)
(Everything's a lie.)
(That was also a lie.)
(I am a giant pushover and salty about everything.)
(I don't know how to feel about that.)
(I am...sorry.)

7th grade ended, and then F2 invited me to go camping with her. I accepted and had a great time. Spent three weeks relaxing and eating everything grilled. It was great.

Shit. Maybe I wasn't done - no, I had transitioned fully by then, I was totally an emotional shit, I was shy and everything that I listed previously. 8th grade started, and for some reason, I didn't like F2 as much anymore. 

I spent too much time with her. And then I found out what she was really like, how she acted when she was alone, how spoiled and rich she was, and I was sick of me. (But at the same time I fell a little bit in love. So when I lost her, a part of me died.)

It was the beginning of 8th grade and I felt alone. F1 wasn't my best friend anymore, she was more F2's friend, and F2 had so many unappealing qualities that I just didn't want. (Gah. Fuck! You guys, this is my contradiction. I hated her. I didn't like her, at all. But at the same time, I adored her. I loved her. I was jealous? and envious? I wanted to be her? I felt so many things, and I knew that I was letting go, but I didn't want to, I wasn't ready. I knew that I was letting go.


                                                organizational line break                                                                                                                                    


Like, at the time I was part of the cross country team. It was fun, I liked running at the time, it was a sport that didn't have too much skill or pressure involved and was pretty solitary. Do you guys get my drift? Like, by August before 8th grade, I was shy. I was quiet. I kept to myself. I was awkward shit shit shit contradiction alert here it is are you ready, I was okay with silence, but I got (and get) so fucking lonely. So lonely. All the time. I had so much hate. I hated that I'd become who I was, I hated myself, I hated how shy I was, that I didn't have any redeeming skills, that i wasn't special hence the superiority complex comes into play To make it worse my friends" weren't my friends anymore, I was alone and let me move on because I think you understand now that I was really shy i had a lot of hate none of this makes sense because my brain doesn't make sense and i have no idea how to express this i need somebody to talk to, writing is nice, but its not the same as talking fuuuuuuckkk her right in the pussy did i mention that i'm bi, like i didn't know it in 8th grade, but the signs were there plz don't hate me guys like i know sometimes i'll be reading a fanfiction and then the author will say "guys this is a [male character]x[male character] fic, so deal with it" and i get kind of turned off because sometimes that detail is unnesasary, but I swear my sexuality is important everything is important, it all comes into play, nothing makes sense, let me move on. 

so like i was on the cc team. There was this one Nice Stranger THat I had Some Classes With let's call her Nadia thats not her name but i'm sick of using fucking computer commands for names like wtf why not use their real names, i already posted a fucking depressing as shit thing on reddit with a detailed acound of my struggle with real names, why not do it now but it's too late i would have to go back and replace all the F1 and F2's with their names and I'm so fucking lazy guys and my battery is at like 20%. So anyway. Focus. Cross country. I remember. So there was this one practice - i remember. It was on an outdated schedule and both Nadia and I missed the email that had the revised schedule that said DO NOT FUCKING COME THIS DAY BECAUSE [TEACHER] WILL NOT BE THERE so we were just waiting there for a while. I remember. It was really warm and there was a nice breeze. Nadia and I stood by the doors of the school, waiting for our coach to let us in because that's what we did before practice: we'd go into the classroom for her announcements or whatever, try to snatch some snacks or whatever before running a couple miles in the SCORCHING HEAT OF HELL aka August.

Oh, details are surfacing. Just small things. I had a small crush on Nadia. She was really nice, really pretty, and was really cool without being a bitch. I was envious, but I didn't hate her. I admired her. So we were talking, and as we were, we took turns walking backwards to a tune I can't remember, taking a number of rhythmic steps, and stomping the wall with a foot. We did that for a long time, trying to get rid of the awkward tension because introverts are not always the best at breaking the ice, so we often have to resort to tactics that may seems obscure to the average extrovert. Somehow we started talking about things. My mindset was: I don't like F2 anymore. She's mean, snotty, a brat, I don't like her. She's my friend, and she's nice to me, but she won't always be, and I have a feeling F1 won't either and hey, friendships don't last forever psshh that promise to F2 to be friends for 20+years and then go travel somewhere, as if, that's not happening.

So I was doing to weird step, step, step, kick thing when I said, "I can't keep my friends. I'm really close to them for like three years, and then I lose them. I can't keep my friends."

It was silent for a little bit before she said, "Well, there's always room at my table, if you need a friend."

And I believed her.

                                     end of cross country scene thing. this line break is for organizational purposes only.                                                                                                 


So yeah, there's my mindset.

8th grade soon started, and everything changed when F1 and F2 got phones. Suddenly, everything became Selfie, Instagram, Snapchat, look at funny internet thing, so funny, ahahaha!!! F1 and F2, my social life lines, got phones and left me out of it. I was alone.

And... I got so sad. I don't even... Like, you don't understand. I was shy. I was an emotional piece of shit. Those two girls - I loved them. They were everything to me. And then they just failed to reciprocate my feelings in the most brutal way - they totally ignored me. That's a lie, guys, it wasn't complete. In fact, they talked to me during class, and I still hung out with them, because even though I knew that our friendship was basically dead for all it was worth, I thought, I hoped, that maybe it would be fixed. Maybe things would be alright.

User Comments

That's tough man, sorry you have been through this.