My sign on the wall.

I went to the doctor's today, and the big c-word came up. For most of my life, this was just my Zodiac sign. I used to joke about it with friends who were into that kind of thing, astrology I mean. I never was, not really. Oddly enough, I'm paying more attention to it now, though otherwise not much feels different. It's almost like the word "cancer" somehow has greater significance to me now, wherever it appears... other peoples' conditions. The zodiac. My condition. I've even felt myself becoming weirdly introspective when I see crabs. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? I was never into astrology before, not at all. 

I don't think it's sunk in yet, not really; it's like this thought at the back of my mind that has me turning in circles... and of course it's "not certain." There are more tests that need to be done; technically, the doctor didn't use the word "cancer" at all. He used the word "mass." That being said, it's in a bad place; there are spots on my stomach, and on my liver. It's a weird feeling. I have "I can't believe this would happen to me" and "I don't feel any different" at the same time, which is strange. Unsettling, a bit. Weirdly, someone with stomach cancer just died in my apartment building, recently. What're the odds of that? Two people in the same building. I wonder if there's something in the building, some mold maybe. I can't think of any mold that would cause this. Not that I'm an authority, but I mean, you hear about people having allergies in response to mold, or having problems with their asthma, not "hey, tumors." So it could just be a coincidence, albeit a crazy one.

Guy committed suicide. The other guy with cancer, I mean. Apparently he had other things going on, like a dead end job and a messy divorce. The landlord entered his apartment, days later, and found his body there. There had been a smell, then there was police, and the coroner. I feel for him, but I don't see myself doing that. Oddly enough, I'm kind of clinically interested in the disease, assuming it's what I have after all. I go in for tests the middle of this week. I'm not looking forward to them. A part of me, despite being interested, a part of me still doesn't really want to know. I want to stay like I am; feeling okay, and not sure about anything, but then there's that weird sort of disjointed, clinical interest which is like "hey. This might be interesting." I'm still not entirely sure what a tumor is. They say it does things like grow blood vessels to feed itself, etc... this doesn't sound like a simple out-of-control growth of cells. It almost sounds like something with an agenda.

Wouldn't that be weird, if a tumor had an agenda. 

I'll be posting another story later this week, once I've had my tests done. I'm assuming that I won't find out the results instantly, not like on TV where it's the next morning. I'll probably have to hover in some weird sort of not-cancer limbo for 48 hours, or over the weekend. Who knows. Crazy shit, all of this. I'm 35, but I've done my research: if this is what it looks like, it's almost certainly terminal. I'm 35. I just landed my dream job. I just met the girl I want to marry. 

If I'm terminal, I'm not going to tell her, I don't think.


User Comments

I had a life-threatening infection that landed me in the hospital once. For some reason I was really fascinated with beetles for the duration. Not sure why. I think we all cope with these things in weird and different ways. I wish you the best; here's to hoping it's nothing!


I don't understand the association with the zodiac sign? But I imagine that this would affect people in different ways. 

What I have to say might sound presuptuous, but I think you should tell the girl you talked about how you feel about her. Seriously. If she cares about you too, she'd want to know. Tell her regardless. 


Update? Let us know how you're doing. Thoughts are with you, I'm sure; I know mine are!


I don't want to instill false hope, but I've survived cancer that they said was inoperable. Doctors don't like to pull punches where this kind of thing is concerned. They have a lot of issues with "false hope." I take issue with that; I don't think there is such a thing. Hope springs eternal, and that's not so bad.