Death may seem the easy way out...

Hello. I'm 19 years old and suffer from severe anxiety and depression.

I don't go out much anymore. If I do its for breakfast with my partners mother. I don't see my mother, or anyone in my family anymore. All this by choice, or not. Depends how you look at it really.

Im controlled by anxiety. I'm controlled by depression. I don't like going out because it scares me. Worried about people judging me. A lot like most people I suppose.

I was always sensitive. Mum told me that when I was a toddler I pulled my hair out. When I was in year 3, that's around age 6-7, the school got social services involved to investigate why I was so sensitive. I remember being pulled out of class, there was an older women with files sitting at a desk. On the other side of this wooden desk was my Mum. I knew she had been crying, her eyes were red and swollen. This women I never met before explained she just wanted to talk to me. She concluded that yes I was sensitive, but needed to understand the variety of emotions people feel. This confused me, I was cleaver enough to know these things. She gave me a sheet, me and mum looked over it just once and laughed. I know there are so many emotions a person could feel, and didn't think much of it.

 

Looking back at my childhood, I was confused why other children didn't like me. They would talk to me and I would cry from time to time. In year 5 I remember trying for a place on the school council. My speech involved with me crying and focuses on bullying. Nobody took me seriously. I was the cry baby.

 

When I was young, my anxiety affected only maintaining friendships. I could make friends easy, had the confidence of the world. I would make a fool out of my self to make others happy, but this gave me unwanted attention and people just laughed at me rather than with me. Once you knew me, you would part your ways.

My parents split up when I was 7-8. I remember before mum and Dad would argue in the kitchen when I was in bed. I cried that they were unhappy, and I promised myself that I would make it my mission to find the right person ASAP to marry and have kids with, so that my kids wouldn't have to witness the arguing. I was sure I was only five when I made that promise. That promise turned me into the vulnerable adult I am today. 

I was 11-12 when I had my first kiss. He was my age, and it went good I believe. I met him at the Christmas party at the school. He was really nice to me for the short time we were together. After issues with bullying I moved out of the secondary school and hence broke up with him. At my new school I was still bullied, but the school provided me with lots of extra activities to keep me away from the idiot kids that loved to make the baby cry for the fun of it. Two years later my first boyfriend came to my new school. He had been through lots of issues since I left our old school. Big issues. This included him being put into foster care. He went out with a close friend of mine at the time. This friend of mine fell out with me over child issues I cannot remember now. This lead to my ex hating me and sticking his middle finger up at me when my mum picked me up after being at a youth group.

Just before I turned 13 I was taken advantage of by a guy 4 years older than me. He stripped me off and chucked my clothes in the bushes. I didn't know how to say no. I don't remember much because that's the first time I am sure I blacked out. Fainted. I didn't really understand what was going on other than I was trying to be a big girl to a guy that seemed to 'love' me. A few months after this the lack of sleep and anxiety built up so much I ended up telling my English teacher what had happened. The police got involved and nothing was taken futher - I was a lier. By this I mean nobody believed me. They thought I made it up!

a year or so later my family had to put me and my male cousin in the same room when something of a similar nature happened again. This time when I did tell someone I was home off sick because of sleepless nights. I told my mum. After telling her she said nothing. She just walked off. my cousin seemed to deny everything. Again, I was labelled a lier. Confused, i just tried to live onwards.

a year later, 14, I met this guy at the youth club I previously mentioned. He was 19 at the time. I hid it from mum, until it got to the point I realised this guy was not going to leave me alone. I left my phone downstairs where mum could get into it easily to find out what he was like. If I didn't stay with him he was going to kill himself. Mum and me seemed to agree that I would be 'grounded' to everyone else so that this guy would leave me alone. I ended up going back to him and mum didn't talk to me. My nan picked me up and took me to my aunties where my auntie threatened, 'If you don't stay away from boys I will lock you in your room and force you to read the bible so you understand how bad you really are. You are sick !' This obviously hurt me badly and I didn't want to see my auntie again. She apologised when I was 16 but only because of a drastic measure I took.

at 15 I met my current partner, who was 18 at the time. He was the only person who managed to get my creepy ex to stay away from me. He kept me safe, and treated me like a princess. I knew this time would be different, and so this time I didn't want to hide anything from my mum. It didn't go down well. From the first day she and the family hated him. Which was why a week before my 16th I ended up leaving home to live with my current boyfriend at his mothers for a year. It was nice, though I did try to fix things with my family, my anxiety and depression got worse. Mum called social services to check I was happy, which I was, and they took me off the books 6 months later. I even took their advice to see their psychiatric nurse for a bit. But my family ended up making me feel like shit that I wasn't putting them first.

When I was living with my partners parents and social services didn't work to take me home, mum called the cops. The cops saw me not long after I spoke to my mum as well as on that day I was crying because of the stress of A levels caused me to argue with my partner. Still, the police saw I was okay and left me to it.

 

I decided not to talk to mum over Christmas to focus on my school work. I managed to get a grade C in AS English and a D in AS RE, but failed everything else. I dropped out Christmas the following year because after getting a flat with my partner, when it was no longer practical to live with his parents, I couldn't keep up with any of my school work. I tried to get an apprenticeship, but nothing worked. My anxiety got worse the more I tried to fix things with my family, and the failiour of having nothing to do with my life took its toll.

My anxiety got to a psychotic state when I believed my current partner threatened to kill me after a severe anxiety attack from coming home after spending the day with my mum. We ended up having a two month break. During which I was groomed by his older cousin whom i then slept with, and continued to deny ever even talking to me during the 2 months. I was also talking to my then ex, but current partner, about the whole affair and didn't see the consequence of telling him on his birthday of all days. Later I realised it was wrong of me but I didn't realise back then. Which then caused my mum to send me to a hostel because she didn't believe she would be able to 'help' me. At the hostel I slept with two guys whilst being in a relationship with one of the two guys.

The break ended when after spending most of my time sleeping I realised I was being stupid. I remembered the night that I thought my then ex had threatened to kill me, when I then knew he hadn't ! It was all in my head!

 

This wasn't the first time this happened either. By this I mean a Hulusionation of events that didn't quit happened the way I thought they did. Anyway, I apologised to my partner who forgave me for hulusinating but not really for the affair with his cousin and letting me get used by a total of 3 guys in the 2 months we were separated. He explained it was a fact that he wouldn't be able to forget.

 

About a month ago I decided to OD. My partner called his parents who then called the ambulence to take me to the hospital. I had said the reason was the estranged relationship I had with my mum and the rest of my family prevented me from being happy with myself and the life I was living. I cannot tell my family exactly this because I love them and don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm hoping there may be an off chance that they would find this and know it was me and for once understand how confused, frustrated and hurt they have made me when I did try to get them involved with my life. Although, to this day I still want to die because I feel like I am obliged to have a relationship with my biological family when I know they cause me to feel the desire to commit suicide.

 

Everytime my mum messages me I end up irritable and angry. She knows how to indirectly hurt my feelings and pull on my heart strings. I know deep down she is only acting that way because she feels obliged or just hates the decision I have had to make. I have been told by everyone outside my immediate circle that my voice trembles when I mention my mum and my family. I believe I am just not good enough for them. I have a chance to live without judgement, anymore, from my partner and his family. In this environment I know I can have the motivation from the given support network to take every day as it comes and fight this depression. It is not easy as I do love my mum because she is my one and only mum, but her as a person has broke me and I'm struggling to fix myself enough to even get out of the door.

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