crackers are the food of the lonely

this will only be short because mystomach really hurts and im going to go and block it all out by reading two different books and then going to bed. the truth is that i experience separation anxiety. i was fine when i was younger, my mum always says how independent i was when i moved primary schooland was happy enough to just go iin on my own though it was new. so i havent always been this way. im nt remotely attracted to the person i just see her as a support networkand i havnt had a proper conversation with her for a year but the other day isaw her in the car and shewved and that awoke all the anxiety that id been trying to organise and control.she is a teacher but she was only my teacher for a few months, one hour a week we saw her. but i had some issues towards the end of the year and she helpedme out a lot. i became attachedto her because i wasnt used to receiving that sort of attention outside of a councilling place so she was a very unique person for me and i began having panic attaxks that summer because i didnt now how to get through summer without her and i ended up in councelling again.i survived it though and she still works at college but in a different area so she doesnt teach me anymore and i dont really see her so hat has given me time toget over the connection i had until a few weeks ago and now im in turmoil again because its like de ja vu its summer and it feels the same as before im trying to get a grip but then ten minutes later im gasping for air because i dont know what to do without her. for the year i was getting on okay, one therapist said i was going through a kind of grieving proces and that i just needed time, but its hardd knowing the person is still around it was the same with my sister because when i was seven she was put into care by my mums choice and it was hard knowing she was around but not actually near by. i see this teacher as a sister sometimes, sometimes as a teacher and sometimes as a crutch. im studying for a pgce next year so ill be doing my fourth and fifth year at college and part of me tinks being qualified to teach will mean i dont have to leave the college (im autistic so i like familiar surroundings) and part of me just...i dont know. im a lonely person ometimes. y depression is controlled by medication and i see a psychologist weekly because i have cptsd but i cant find books on adult separation anxiety and i dont know what to do.

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