It's getting worse and worse...

I am having one of my test tomorrow and I couldn't study due to my coursework mark for said subject this semester. A lot of people said that this subject would be really REALLY difficult as a warning to us so that we have prior preparation. Since I have 4 subject this semester, I tried to balance my studying and my already depressing life (with a bonus of social anxiety!). I managed to score decent coursework mark in my other 3 subject except for one, you can probably guess which one.

                                                                                                                                                         

 

A lot of things had happened to me in this 4 months long semester that goes in a ascending order like this :

- Really terrible skin allergy, had to take medicine three times a day that actually made me really sleepy and couldn't concentrate in classes.

- My friend was so kind to not cover her mouth nor keep her distance after she barely recovered from a terrible fever, proceed to cough all over me and my friends (including my food), making some of us to have heavy fever as well (this happened just before the submission for the assignment of the hardest subject, very nice timing)

- My grandma have diabetes who for some reason got her sugar level to a dangerous level, in the end she had to get hospitalized since she keeps fainting. Before this, I took her to the clinic nearby and she vomited on me. I didn't think much of it until I almost faint while on a highway with no place to stop.This happened right after I have recovered from my fever.

- Got into a disagreement with my housemate, anxiety attack ensues.

- Went back to hometown for cny, found out my mother was now the receiving end of my father's occasion verbal abuse instead of me and she reluctantly told me about it.

- Father got hospitalized due to his heart problem that occurs often. He told my mom not to tell me, she told me anyways with a reminder that I don't tell him that I know since she will get scolded for it. Despite his anger problems, I still consider him as my father (if that makes any sense?). I got more depressed, not just because my dad got hospitalized but because I know there's more that happened and they're not telling me just so I could focus on my studies.

- Went back to uni two days late when class already begins, the lecturer asked me why I didn't go to her class (She's actually my favorite lecturer and I respect her very much) so I told her about my father. I didn't expect it but she gave me an extension for my assignment and that she would grade it herself instead of my other lecturer. I didn't want to get the extension, it makes me feel like it would be unfair to other students but I took it anyway because I don't want to be a disappointment (plus, I actually really like programming even though I didn't perform well this semester)

- Went to find said lecturer during the week of my extension to ask about my problems I have in my assignment. She asked me if my father had been discharged from hospital out of kindness and I bloody mumbled 'I think so' because I didn't sleep for more than 4 hours the night before due to stress, may have not heard her clearly before answering. Now it just sounds like I lied to her about my father's hospitalization even though my mother probably didn't tell me because she's afraid my dad would scold her for telling me. Had a nervous breakdown when I went home.

- I got an extension of more than a week, didn't sleep much due to insomnia and stress. Was suppose to hand it in on Monday, accidentally fall asleep the night before and woke up late (didn't finish assignment as well). You know what could be better than this? I created a lot of version of my assignment for programming (in case I fucked up and need to retract my steps), I fucking replaced the final version with the previous version in a state of sleepiness. I almost broke down then and there, my heart had literally felt like it sank rock bottom as I frantically searched my files in a sense of hope I made a backup. I felt like a failure, a disappointment, my suicidal thoughts was resurfacing and I had a panic attack while I rock back and forth silently on the couch.

- I went to her office for the submission and interview, stammered throughout the whole thing since I had gotten another anxiety attack. She said she'll grade it that day and the day after that which is today.

- Went online to check my score, found my other lecturer that was originally supposed to grade mine putting up my score. I got a 0. You can probably guessed how I am feeling right now. I am not sure whether this lecturer had not received my score from the other lecturer or I had really received 0 for my terrible work but I felt like I just lost all appetite.

                                                                                                                                                         

Maybe this whole series of downward roller coaster of emotions would pass after the finals but I'm not hanging on to any hope at the moment. I really want to study for this subject but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like retaking it instead of just drowning in my depression. Maybe I shouldn't aim for a very high achievement (I always get a few A's in each semester ever since I enrolled in my uni and I keep my cgps above 3.0), I really want to tell myself that I can fail this subject and it wouldn't be the end of the world, and that I would try harder when I retake it.

I have depression and anxiety since I was little, a lot of things had happened in my life that the number of times I'm actually happy for each year is becoming less and less. At one point my mother actually suspected that I have suicidal thoughts when I was around 13 or 14, checking me in my room every now and then since I was always a quiet child. Every year, it just gets worse and worse, I couldn't even look forward anything anymore (Why look forward to anything when anything bad could happen at any time?)

Sometimes, I think I could end everything with just a knife in the gut but I always stopped myself when I think about how my death would probably only sadden my family. I could only tell myself that I should just suffer alone. I'm only 20 now but I am not looking forward to my remaining years among the living.

TLDR : Having finals for one of my subjects tomorrow, couldn't study due to depression from my bad coursework mark on said subject and other things that happened this semester. Now I feel like the end of the world, as it always had been for my entire life.

User Comments
Anon-1

That is a lot of stuff to have gone through, no wonder you are having trouble studying. If you are unprepared for the final, then try your best but accept that it will be a bad result and move on to trying to be more prepared for next time. 

Have you spoken to anyone about your depression? I couldn't tell sorry. If so I would recommend it, can help you change your thinking and it really helped me.