I hate my life and I don't know why

So, here's the sob story of my life: I'm 19, gay, and absolutely depressed. I don't know why: my life is theoretically normal, but in the last five years I've lost the will to do anything. I feel contempt and disgust for everything but music, and even then it seems like... I don't know, ephemeral? It doesn't last, nothing good ever seems to last, but the dark thoughts in my head keep coming back every day and every night.

My grades went to hell and back, and I can't bring myself to care. What if I'm failing school? It's not like these numbers will change anything. Good grades won't make me happy. I don't think anything can make me happy: I go out, and I'm sad. I stay at home, and I'm sad. I am angry at everybody, I can't bring myself to genuinely tell somebody "I love you", and instead hide behind sarcasm and jokes. It's stupid, I know. Everything I do seems to be stupid.

I don't want to be around people, but at the same time I don't want to be left alone. But nobody seems to care about me: people use me as a... a dump for all their problems. Apparently, I'm trustworthy, so people tell me about their secrets, their problems, everything. I have to give them advice, to help them when they need, but the favor is never returned. Whenever I tell somebody "I need to talk" they say they are busy. They don't want to talk to me; after all, who wants to listen to the rantings of a stupid, sad teenager who doesn't know better? I'm clumsy and ugly and useless and stupid. I want to end it all, but I'm too much of a wuss to do it. Yeah, I'm a coward: I don't tell people my real feelings, I don't tell them about my problems, I don't want anybody to be let in my mind because I'm so terribly afraid that they will betray me, that they will tell everybody about what a sad waste of space I am.

And the worse thing is I can't even cry anymore about it. I feel empty and tired. I hate my parents for always fighting each other. I hate my big brother for having always acted as the immature one. I hate myself for putting up with verbal abuse from everybody. I hate the people who call themselves my friends. I hate how I suck at everything I do.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Somebody over reddit told me to try, and I somehow got the motivation to do it. Everything seems hopeless, nonsensical.

User Comments
Anon-1

Trusting someone else with how you feel can be a really hard thing. To me you seem consumed with self loathing and that's not a healthy way to be. Have you ever seen a professional, like a therapist or something? Is that something you would be able to do?

If you are feeling used when it comes to providing help for others, then remove yourself from the situation and start to look out for yourself. You are not obligated to help others, especially if they aren't reciprocal when you need help.

Don't be scared to say how you feel, it is important and people will be able to help you. 

Anon-2 We care about you, all you need to do is find one of us rare people who care