Verbally Abusive Father and Depression

 

I can’t wait to get out of this damn house. There’s so much negativity and hostility here. Too much drama, yelling, and crying. It’s what I’ve seen my entire life. Pretty dramatic household.

 

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen things that the majority of people didn’t know existed. But I’m sure I could be wrong. I mean, you think you brush your teeth a certain way that is only special to you and come to find out someone else does it just like you. That was pretty lame. There are probably better analogies than that.

 

Back to the point though. I’m tired of being here. I have one more semester left and I’ll be able to get a better job. Hopefully one that pays enough so I can move out immediately. Maybe after I graduate, I’ll be able to move close to my boyfriend. I hope that’s it. I just want to get out of here. Why? Because I want healthier relationships. I want a better life. I feel like I’m just living on an emotional roller coaster here. I’ll be having a really good day and then I’ll come “home” and SOMETHING will get blown out of proportion. “Shit hit’s the fan” or so they say. (I use to be a better writer than this). I wonder if I’m depressed. I wonder if depression messes with your mind in ways that you degenerate in some ways…. Whatever. I’m just tired of crying because my dad said something hurtful. Yes I blame you. I know you probably tried your best at times but for the majority of my life you’ve always been the person who’s made me cry. You made mom cry. I remember seeing her when I was young and she was crying. I remember the slamming doors and yelling while I was sitting in my room. I remember being made fun of about my braces and my body. I remember when I first started wearing makeup, mom gave me some eyeliner to try and you called me “morbid”. I remember all these things. I don’t remember many good times because all the good times had something wrong with them. When were the days you didn’t get upset about something? Where were the days when you didn’t over dramatize something?

 

Sometimes you just have to say “FUCK IT.” Nothing is THAT important. Come on. You’re really going to ruin a nice day because burger king wasn’t open? (So you open your car door and hit the machine while cursing at it?) Or that time my brother and I were in the back seat of the truck and your road rage kicked in. We were silent in the back seat and someone must have cut you off because you started cursing and flipping people off.

 

I don’t know about you but I don’t think living in fear is “godly”. Because we were always a great Christian family, right?

 

You want to know something? I’m done. I’m done with your idiotic beliefs. You don’t raise kids to have faith in a loving god and then bring them back to a negative, fearful home.

 

So fuck you. I’ve pitied you for so long. I only felt bad for you because you’re my dad and for some dumb reason I felt genetically obligated to feel bad for you. But looking back at life, and your past actions…. I’m kinda over it.

I understand you may have some undiagnosed mental issues. And maybe that’s why I’ve pitied you for so long. I know deep down you love me but your actions and your anger and your words never portray that. I felt sorry for you because you never had a dad and you never had a good life. But you know what? You need to get over it and start making your life better. If not, you’ll always be pissed off and you’ll always hold that as an anchor and an excuse for your bad attitude. Because yes, you are an asshole.

 

You’re an asshole. And I’m not sorry for saying this but sometimes you just really fucking suck. You don’t help me when I’m depressed and I’ve never felt close to you. Honestly, I’ve always been afraid that if I do anything wrong, I’ll get yelled at and demeaned about my intelligence or the way I choose to live my life. Which if you think about it, isn’t that one definition for verbal abuse?

 

So yes. I can’t wait to leave this house. I can’t wait to get out of here. Why? Because I deserve healthy relationships. I deserve love and I deserve respect.

 

I love myself and I am a worthwhile person. That’s why I don’t want to be around this toxicity anymore. I have one more semester before I can get out of this hell and if I just hold on, it will all be worth it. I just hope you don’t push me over the edge until then.

User Comments
Anon-1

Good luck, you seem to be completely correct so I hope it all works out for you when you can move out. I'm sure it will as you will be free and can stop letting this drag you down. Best wishes.