My life story, then and now

I grew up into a family of 6. I had my dad, my mom, two older sisters (one neing 6 years older, the other, 3 years older), and a twin brother. I don't remember much from when I was younger, I grew up in a small town with farms everywhere up in northern Michigan. On my first birthday, my grandma died from lung cancer so I never got to know her but my family misses her greatly. When I was four I was diagnosed with asthma, my brother was not. I went to the hospital twice for pnuemonia (spellcheck) and it was something I don't want to do again. The biggest thing that happened to me in preschool and middle school combined was that I dated this one girl from 4th grade up to 7th grade on and off, and on and off, and on and off, etc. I technically dated othe girls but I never really count them because I think I was trying to make up for her, when I wasnt dating her. I felt like i really did love her even though I didn't know what love was at the time. I still loved this girl all the way up to 10th grade and then finally got over her. Of course I thought of all this different scenarios on how to get her back and everything but never worked up the courage to do so. I was a kid who did well in ever class because it just made sense to me and was willing to help others with understanding their homework. I was shy however. Senior year rolled around and it was my worst year of high school. I felt like a loner off the back because I wanted to be in a relationship. One that lasted, and that i could cherish so much of. I had all the emotions ready to come out but I had no one to give them to. I felt alone. I was doing horrible in my first class of the day, physics. At the end of the year I fail it because of all the stress I was under with homework and other things. One such other thing was that my parents got a divorce. Also in the past years my grandpa died, we constantly had bats in the house, my sister had her stuff stolen, my dad got into and accident but was life-threatning. I got into a quad accident that scared me death when it came to driving. Pretty much one bad thing after another. Another stress factor was thinking of what I want to be when I grow up. I have no idea even though I am currently getting a degree in computers. To add to the stress I like this girl but i didn't think she was looking for a relationship. So I asked a galfriend to help me try to get her attention. It didn't work out but I became closer with my galfriend. Senior trip rolled around and i stayed by her side for most of the trip. In the bus i sat next to her except for 3 times. We talked about ourselves and shared information about each other. I didn't know at the time but she had a crush on me. The ride back up was during the night and her and I stayed up till 5 talking to each other and sharing stories. We were under a blanket the whole time with our heads sticking out and one of each our legs were pressed up against the other. I eventually fell asleep but woke up with my head on her shoulder. She stayed up longer than me and watched me sleep for a while. Two days after the trip I aksed her out and she screemed happily after reading my message( or so she tells me, it was over a text). Over the next couple weeks of school we stood by each other when talking with my group of friends and she made sure that we did. I Invited her to my house one day and we watched a few movies on netflix then layed down on my bed facing towards each other while holding each other's hand in fron of our faces. We stared deep into each others eyes and she wanted to kiss me so bad, but i didnt know this at the time. When i went over to her house I made the move for my first kiss ever and it was amazing, she thought so to because she was screaming and jumping around her house. About everytime we met up we would make out and get a little physical with each other but never was sex of any kind involved. We talked deeply to each other and it would go deep into the late nights. Sometimes when talking to each other i would cry because of my stress and fear of dying without living a full life or a meaningful one. She didn't seem to like me when I cried because she always fell silent. I still felt like the relationship was going well though because we talked constantly and had our anniversary calenders out and things like that. Well the relationship ended when she went out to Iowa to help her dad work on some farms. She texted me that it was over without giving me definite answer as to why. I shut down and became depressed. This didn't help because I was still stressed out about my college and I had recently gained a job. Weeks after starting college I couldn't take the stress of my depression, anxiety and talking to my now ex girlfriend. I wanted to kill myself and i though of many different ways of how I could. I really scared myself/ came close when I went out to garage fridge to get a pop when I accidently knocked over a saw that my dad left at the house. I picked up the saw and imagined what I could to myself with it, then ran into the house. My ex became very worried about me, to the point where she called my mom. Me and my mom talked about suicide but i don't think it helped. I still think about it quite frequently. Months passed where I didn't talk to my ex. I then texted her, asking if we could talk. She seemed alright with it but when we tried to talk she only replied with okay's, yeah's and cool's. I blew up at her, then cooled down. She said that she'd give me a month to sort out my feelings. I kind of want to end it all, because its the easiest thing for me. I know it wont be for others but im tired of dealing with all the stress. I need an answer

User Comments
Anon-1

hey sorry you feel so bad, what a difficult situation to have been in. Is there someone at college you can speak to about your depression? A counsellor? Might help to talk to someone impartial.  Glad you culd speak to your mum, even if you feel it didn't help so much.