Am I human anymore?

All throughout elementary, middle school, and half of high school, I was a very shy person and would avoid people. I would only talk to people when I needed to and eventually found myself in a deep hole because I had no social/people skills. Towards the end of 8th grade, I started looking up ways that I could gain social skills and basically learn how to have a conversation with someone and keep it going. It was a gradual thing and it was always hard to approach people. I didn't make any friends for the next two years but I had acquaintances. During my last two years of high school, I went to three different schools. I made some friends, although not close ones (okay, that first school doesn't really count because I knew 90% of the people from elementary school and they were the ones to welcome me back since they hadn't seen me in a long time). I had a few friends in college (at least for the years I was there). From stating my opinions as I grew into a young adult, I gradually lost all my friends and now I am very alone. No one really shares the same ideals as me which is hard to make friends even if they share the same interests/hobbies. Even online I can't really make any friends. I consider myself a non-judhemental, emphatic, and understanding person. I don't push my opinions onto others and I hate debating and confrontation. I don't think I'm a bad person? And I tend to keep myself in check and fix myself and apologize if I make mistakes. My views constantly change and I'm willing to admit if it turns out I'm wrong. Honestly, I've come to think I'm just a really stupid person and can't see what I'm doing wrong(?). I have social anxiety and this kind of stuff just makes me feel worse.

I was raped and physically and mentally abused last year by a person who I only knew their first name and I don't even know if it's their real name. I've only told one person about this. I don't talk about this. I never do, I've never gone into detail. Many things I've blocked off from my mind but there are things I cannot forget. The mere fact that I was tricked into this makes me feel worthless. I have so little value that it was okay to do this. Moreover, my partner thinks cheating on me is okay and thinks I'm not very understanding that it's okay to hurt my feelings. I guess I really am worthless. So worthless not even my own parents want me. My father has aleays been out of the picture for me, he doesn't even call, not even on my birthdays. He despises me and thinks I'm like my mother. He once told my brother he doesn't want me in his house. I had to drop out of college because of mental illness and my mother recently bought a one bedroom apartment because she really wants me to move out. I can't even hold a job because of my anxiety and social anxiety. Meds have been uneffective or make me suicidal and I end up in the hospital. I suck at talking to people, explaining myself, etc so therapy has proved inefficient since I started going to it in high school.

I don't feel like a part of humanity anymore. I don't feel human.

User Comments

You are not a bad person, you have had to deal with a lot which wold be difficult for anyone. Trust me, its not your fault. Your partner cheating on you is not ok and definitely not because you are worthless. Someone who would do that to you isn't worth your time, honestly.

I spent a long time filled with resentment about how others had treated me and feeling worthless but I kind of realised that ultimately it was me that had to change, you cannot change the actions of others but you can change yourself and your thinking/reactions to other's behaviour.

No idea if this helps at all but I feel that you should know that you are worth more than this and need to look after yourself first, be patient and understanding with yourself because you have been through a lot and are still standing so you are stronger than I suspect you think. Peace.