I'm just fucking depressed

Idk i just wake up a lot of days and feel miserable. All of the things that use to help fight off negastive thoughts don't seem o work anymore. I am also suffering from a much increased level of anxirty and going to class even frightens me I feel as though I m going to have a panic attack every 5 fucking minutes. I'm just so fucking sick of anxiety I've looked up live every strategy I even have guitar as an outlet, but it isnt enough anymore Looking back on it now I relaize that I have been depressed since I was about 15 years old. I grew up in a hositle family enviorment no physical abuse , but alot of continous verbal conflict. I have never really been close with my father at all (although were a little closer now) and though I love my mother dearly I have some resentment toward her. She is a doctor and that the ripe age of 6 put me on amphetamines. I took them as perscribed until I was about 17 years old. When something happend casuign me to have to take summer school I fell deeper into my dperessio nand abusied them. I feel as though I fired all of my happy receptors and have been trying to fill the void kinda. I have done about every drug in the book besides the big H or meth. I feel as this period has caused me to be damaged socially  and pyscologically. I have an extrenmely hard time with women even though I'm at a fucking party school. I think I may also have a porn/masurbation addcicton as well. I have seen multiple therapists, but w/ the drug history I never felt I could be truley honest without getting a ticket to rehab. Btw now I all i really do is smoke weed and drink. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the balls to end it but there are lot of times i really wish i was did.

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