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Okay, I dont know where to start or when to end, but this is my life´s story from beeing 15 year old untill present day of 5/1 2015.
My problems does´nt start with the married man i met and fell in love with but i will get to that.
I have always been a bright kid, always figuring out a logic path to solve my daily tasks. I think in straight lines to form squares to make everything go around.
When i was 15 or rather in 7th grade i learned everything i would ever have to study up untill university.
Yepp might sound impressing, but no i just loved to read facts. It came easily to me.
So you might expect me to get straight A+ in everything atleast in highschool. But NOPE, when i was in school our teachers where not allowed to grade ous higher then "PASS" or "NOT PASSED", it basicly did not matter how good you did on the test, u just passed it.or atleast i did
At the time it did not bother me, i did not need my confirmation on a peice of paper, i knew i was above my class, and probably the entire school (7th-9th grade).
But life is not a competition, and i did not think that way, i just wanted my future to have all doors open.
I was a teenage boy, courious in manny ways, but i had foundmyself attracted to elder men. I dont remember if it was just the kind of porn i was able to acces (older men fucking young girls) or if it was somekind of deep daddy issue desire. But i grew fond of it.
The exclusion of a real grade did do some permanent damage to my psyche, I now settle for just the minimum requirements to pass, and that is in anything i do.
Wether it be food, work, family time, any possible situation, i find the lowest amount of work/effort u gave to complete to finnish the task i have been given.
Fastforward 4 years(19y o), i am now done with (Gymnasium[?]), and where moving on to a university in another city.
I thought this would be an excellent time to try out my deep down sexual fantasy about an elder man, or a man for that fact.
I got in contact with a man 30 years older then me online and we chatted, and i like him(Not the man in the tittle). And i wanted to meet him.
We met, it was awesome. I devided to come out to my parants. The comming out was never a problem for me, my parents had always said that no matter who we come home with wether it be a black person(yes it was very rare with black people where i am from) or if it was a him. So i never feared off telling them about my desire to men.
However, the age difference was a bit of a problem, and this gave me and still makes me problems trusting my parents.
Ohh, and this was during christmas, came home dec 16th and sat them down at the table told them about the man i met. Big rumble tumble that year.
I got back to the university, felt abanden lonley and start doing drugs(nothing serius, just massive amount of weed) it helped me coop with everything.
As most of u know, smoking pot everyday for 6 month while trying to study for the first time in 4 years was kind of hard. It ended with me not studying at all, and spending the last 1½ month in bed or by my computer playing video games.
So i flunked out of university, and had to move back to my parents house, they took me in and accapted me. (they never abanded me or so, but it felt that way). During this time i manage to get a videogame addiction, and it was bad. I would deceive my parents in any possible way, lie my way to the computer where i could escape to my world.(20 y o)
I guess i am that kind of a person that easily find myself in some kind of addiction wether it be drugs, video games, sex or love.
However, i manage to get myself out of the swamp that is VGA(Vide game addiction) and found this amazing site for local hook ups(Most of them where closet gay men who have´nt come out yet) Well, FUCK ME, i met alot of gay men in the town i grew up in, none of wich i new from before, i never thought there even where any gay men where i lived. Ohh, boy i was wrong.
So i guess i was addicted to sex, or the thrill of the first time i met a man. I loved that feeling the tangleing in your stomach right before you where to met. I never knew if it was a real horny man, or just some wacky serial killer. And that made it so much more exciting.
So i excausted all most of the elder gay men in my city, so i thought i would go over them again. And this is when i found him, the well respected older man who was ofcourse married....
He was on the commity for the towns parade/annual party arrangement. Well known journalist/critic of my and like 30% of the people in my town knew who he was.
We started meeting in secret "gay hangouts" well, basicly just a little de-rail of the freeway into a secluded part of the woods where we used to have sex. This was all happening while i was living at home with my parents. I used my technic to lie and manipulate them to thinking i was out applying for jobs, working on my studies(yes i was suppose to go back to school) and whatknot.
Fastforward a little bit(21 y o), and i have a steady job, montly pay and most important my own place. We started to hang out at my place from that point on. Well, from here on i started to fall in love with him. He was really sweet, funny and he was just so damn sexy. The discresion and secretly did not make it less sexy. It kind of turned me on. Feelings developted, and we love eachother, I still love him now as i am writing this. But i know it wont work out...ever
I am now 23, soon to be 24. And i have come to understanding that the past 3 years of love that i have been given has been for vain. I knew it right from the start, but i was to numb from all of my previous problems to truly accept and understand this.
So what changed? What made this "Sudden" comprehension?
I dont know, i woke up this morning(15h ago) getting ready to go to work, when i just broke down crying. It might have been all the holidays that we recently passed, and the loneliness that comes with it. But i cant take it anymore. I have to brake up with him, and i will do so in the next comming days.
This is mostly to ventilate, and not all about the married man. But it is a great attention seeker. I have spend the hole day reforming my life, and i have now a goal. And this is just how i intend to start my new life.
Growing up "different" can be hard, and it's natural for a teenager to wonder, experiment, and feel drawn to things. Best wishes on your new direction in life; it's genuinely impressive that you've resolved to take action, and now have a clear goal in sight :)
I hope that your new life is everything that you imagined it would be, and then some. I can understand the appeal of that other person in your life, but your happiness shouldn't be based entirely around someone else... especially not someone unattainable.
So it's complicated.
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