shut out but breaking through, hopefully

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. We met through friends and have many things in common that we haven't found elsewhere such as neither of us wish to have children or really have a real desire to get married. In a complex dating world that becoems quite a dealbreaker, especially when dating is much more accessible these days online. 

 

We started out with the most honest of relationships, telling each other details about our darkest fantasies through to opinions of friends in common and such. We had a very sexual realtionship as I was highly driven sexuall and she also claimed to suffer a high sex drive. We were adventurous and e were able to try things that we had probalby held deep down as it was seen to be taboo or 'dark'. It was our chance to be as one in the comfort that neither of us would judge one another. 

 

All of this made me question where these such desires came from, I had made my own ideas up as to what had contributed to her crave for dominance and bdsm bedroom antics and to be utterly out of control. I had heard rough exerts of her past and she had told me of her bad relationships with some old partners who had been less than gentle and not listened to requests to stop. No mention of rape but it was elluded. There was another factor to her that was always brushed over from her past. She had referred to it as a dark time at her late teens, understandable with her father passing away unexpectedly at the age of 19. Being the time she was also badly treated by an ex boyfriend it was clear it had left an impact on her psychologically. It seemed her brother was also one that struggled with mental health issues and was on medication him self and has had instances with suicide him self. She was his rock, their mother was around still but had desrted them at a younger age, which was clear to see in her character, such a strong, independant and fiercley determinded young woman. 

 

It was around 3 to 4 months ago that we started having issues with our relationship and it was not clear from my side where from. I noticed a snappy nature, a disinterest in me and the addiction to her phone that lead me to jump to conclusions that she was cheating or at least entertaining the idea. It took a heated discussion to bring it to a head where we almost split up to allow her to admit to me that she feels 'numb'. Further questioning of this allowed her to announce that she feels 'A-Sexual' and really down, constantly tired and stressed at work. I thought this may be something more serious than just a tough week at work and I asked more of this 'dark time' when she was younger. To which I was surprised.. She announced to me that in her late teens and early twenties she was severly depressed and trying to committ suicide twice ending up in hospital. She shrugged this announcement off, claimed she keeps her self busy and powers on through because she has had to previously having to be the rock for her brother. She competes in weightlifting, has completed an undergrad and post grad bar course to become a barrister, whilst excelling at work. These examples are more clear now why she feels the need to power on and keep her self busy. 

 

Fortunately now after the discussion that she almost, shrugged off as its just something she deals with, she has now stated she wants to go to the doctors to talk about it as she feels something isn't right. My fear is that she still tries to shrug it off as something she has to power through, even being her boyfriend she struggles tell me she is struggling and shuts down. She announced the other day after the statement she wants to get help that she would understand if I wanted to leave her as it isn't easy. This isnt what I want and I hope we can get through this together and come out stronger. 

 

My hopes for the next few weeks are that she feels comfortable to talk to me face to face about it and not just over whatsapp, she speaks with her GP and hopefully finds a treatment, takes a step back and chills out as she is set up for a breakdown in my opinion if she continues. None of our other friends really know any of this and I get asked all the time is she ok, and it is difficult to shrug it off as tiredness and such but I hope we can move onwards. 

User Comments
Anon-1

I think it's really good that you're supporting her, and that you're able to talk about this yourself to try and work through it. I know it's hard, but remember to give her the space she needs. The fact that she is considering talking to a doctor on her own is really quite awesome, and your presence in her life is helpful even if it doesn't seem like it :)

Anon-2

Don't push her. It's rough, just remember that you *are* doing good for her just by being in her life. Pushing can make a person shut down; by being in a relationship and also by pursuing help, she's already showing serious initiative. I hope that she does go to the doctor, and that the two of you have many happy years together :)

I wish you both the best. Whatever she's going through, and however it makes you feel, I'm glad that the two of you have each other. 

Thank you, she has since been to the doctors, was diagnosed with moderate/ severe depression. On some meds and we actually had a pre booked trip to amsterdam with friends which we were both dreading. It went really well and we all had a great time. 

Since returning she has opened up, feels comfortable to talk to me about it, the space is helping her I think as I see a better response from her. Despite her saying the meds make her feel more dead inside (jovially), they will hopefully help her get a hold of it her self and she seems to be in a better place. There are a few other things kicking in but I found a really good article online that helped me understand it better. I'll leave a link at the end. I think the main difficulty of mine was not understanding, its coming along and its a long game. Im always going to be there no matter what happens. The somments were really nice, thank you so much!

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/6/2/a-brutally-honest-description-of-depression

Thank you, she has since been to the doctors, was diagnosed with moderate/ severe depression. On some meds and we actually had a pre booked trip to amsterdam with friends which we were both dreading. It went really well and we all had a great time. 

Since returning she has opened up, feels comfortable to talk to me about it, the space is helping her I think as I see a better response from her. Despite her saying the meds make her feel more dead inside (jovially), they will hopefully help her get a hold of it her self and she seems to be in a better place. There are a few other things kicking in but I found a really good article online that helped me understand it better. I'll leave a link at the end. I think the main difficulty of mine was not understanding, its coming along and its a long game. Im always going to be there no matter what happens. The somments were really nice, thank you so much!

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/6/2/a-brutally-honest-description-of-depression