My life is rough.

I have no where else to turn basically and this site is the only place I know of that holds a large number of people who will gladly listen to my story, that I so desperately need to get off my chest. I guess we can start off with whats happening now, and then we can backtrack a little bit.

Here we go. I am a 21 year old male, living on my own. Just recently I was living in an apartment by myself for the past year paying around 1000$ a month to survive. I have a part time job as a cook in a restaurant here in town, but battling for hours is not easy when half the people you work with are on the "favorite person to work" list. I hate favoritism. Anyways, I was not making enough to survive on my own, and the only way I was able to do so was because of CPS. Yep, Child Protection Services.

When I was 15 years old, I was taken away from my father. He is an abusive prick, not only to me, but to my stepmother as well. There have been times where he would get pissed off for no reasons (or because he was drunk) and he would hit my step mother or me just to let off some steam. He also did this in front of his 1-2 year old daughter at the time. (She now is 6 I believe. I don't get to talk to them much). So, eventually my stepmother left my dad for good (like for the 50th time, no joke) and left the house with my stepsister as well. I was left alone to live with my abusive father. I felt scared living alone with him because my stepmother was my only line of defense whenever I was in trouble. I was always so frightened to go home after school or to stay home with him on the weekends, because I knew at any point he could easily get pissed off and start throwing his fists around for something, like "talkin lik dis thru txt mssgs" to him. What a little shit I was, right? Not using proper grammar.. how dare I? Anyways, I went to school with bruises and the staff there had me talk to the police as well as CPS during the school day. That was scary. I remember telling the police, "Please don't tell my dad that I spoke with you today. If he finds out I was talking about my bruises, he will give me more. I dont want to go home." Later that day, I was escorted home with a Police Officer as well as a CPS agent. My father was not home yet, and I had a key to get inside the house, so I went inside, grabbed some clothes and valuables from my room and went to a foster care home for 2 weeks.

My dad knew where I was because of the phone calls he had recieved from CPS, but he ignored their calls and told them. "He will come back. This is just a phase he is going through." I dont think I have ever seen him since then...and I still dont ever want to. (Also, I learned about a year ago from todays date that he is a child molester and is looking at 40 years in prison.) Eventually, my friend from HighSchool told his mother about my situation and his mother was able to care for me and bring me into their home away from foster care. I was living with them for over a year, which was great because I was still young in HighSchool and looking for my first job. I had a place to fall back to, a place to call home and to feel safe in. A year later... they decided to move half way across the country. They wanted to adopt me, to take me with them and call me their own... I declined. I WISH I HAD SAID YES. It is my biggest regret to this day.

I loved that family and I know that they loved me just as much back. I had declined because I had a stepmother and stepsister that lived close by, and I was close with them and did not want to be far away from them and miss out on seeing my little sister grow up (This is still at the time where I was like 15-16 years of age). So they ended up moving away and I eventually stayed with another friend of mine until I turned 18. Same story goes with them accept for the adoption part. At 18 years old, I said my thank yous and moved away with a friend who I knew from HighSchool and we both lived together in his grandparents 2 story home. A lot of the time it was just he and I staying there. His grandparents had another place, a vacation home elsewhere, that they stayed at. My friend left for the Marines, and I had enough money to get myself into a little studio apartment. (Now, let me remind you that I was in CPS still even though I turned 18. From the moment I was in CPS till my 21st bday I was receiving financial aid from them. It was to help me survive and pay rent. I was given it monthly.) So, I lived on my own, no roommates or anything like that and I was doing fine.

This is where things get really bad for me, and only go downhill from here. I meet a girl online.. She is awesome, we have everything shared in common, she is sweet, caring, beautiful.. everything I wanted. She lived 2k miles away from me (Being Florida). Yeah, I did it. I moved across the country to live near her. I wanted to have a relationship with somebody so badly, I wanted someone to hold and to be close to. I had nobody to talk to ever, I was always alone 24/7 and I had barely any friends. My mother lived far from me, she was poor and moved from state to state every half year and could barely support herself and her children. (She is married to my stepdad now for 10 years I believe). I rarely even got to speak to her. She never had a phone, and when she did I never received calls from her. She was just too busy with herself I guess to say hi to me. At that point, before I left to move to Florida from where I was, 2k miles away, it had been about 3 years since I had seen my mother. I get to Florida, and get a place to stay of my own. (this is the place I mention above where I pay 1000$ a month to survive with my part time job and my financial aid from CPS). I date this girl for a year, and she leaves me for another man in December of 2013. So yes, recently. My lease ends in March of 2014 and when I turned 21 in November of 2013, my financial aid had stopped coming so i was not getting as much money as I needed to survive on. I was evicted from my apartment in January because I could not afford the rent, and I begged a friend of mine to let me stay with him. He lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with another guy, so I had to move all of my shit into the living room of their place. (Which is where I am now.) I am having issues with money still and I only get paid every other week, unlike my 2 roommates who work 40 hour jobs and get paid weekly. They ask me to pay rent 2 weeks in advance which I try my best to do, but cant always pay them in full until I get my next tpaycheck 2 weeks later, which always land around the 4th or 5th of the upcoming month (making rent on my part late.) One of the roommates is now mad that I cannot afford to pay rent in full 2 weeks in advance and is now giving me 3 days to find a new place to live. I do not know anyone else here in Florida who will let me stay with them, I am broke, and am now scared to be homeless.

My life is rough. I wish I had a mother or a father to run to. I need a home. I need someone to hold me and to tell me they love me and to tell me that things will be okay. Things wont be okay.. I think I am fucked. Thanks for listening.


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