I have lost myself

The past 3 months of my life have turned into a fury of anxiety, stress, anger, and depression. I truly used to be happy. I was a guy with a goal I was chasing and someone to help me get there. I did/still am doing everything to fight and hold on to what I have but its a battle that is destroying me. My boyfriend was raped about a year ago and therapy is destroying him. Seeing him in this state... No words can even explan. I no longer know how to comfort him, how to help him, or how to gauge him. I no longer know when he needs support or if our relationship is one word from collapse.  I am in a constant cycle work stress and anxiety. Recently graduated from college and I apply daily to jobs but every rejection email, every empty interview, and every ended call is just another chip away at me.  I have begun to become so anxious about the unknown that I struggle to submit them anymore. Recently my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, and now my father is having a biopsy to see if his cancer has returned. Every day... every day I plaster a fake smile on my face and lie to everyone around me that Im okay and am still the happy person they expect. Nobody knows that I no longer sleep more than an hour at a time, that I get sick every time I eat, or that I have major breakdowns weekly. However people are beginning to notice. I have recently been told that something seems off or that I look different. Clearly I am no longer even convincing to those around me. I was always the confident person who never took bullshit, who never took a set back as anything more than chance to do something even better... but now I have officially lost myself. I was not this person. The sinking pit in my stomach is my new normal. I contacted a therapist because it's one of the last few options I can see but that is weeks away. I just need to see a future but its truly become a blurry image. I am terrified because today I realize I have finally lost me. The me I knew and have trusted for 23 years has disappeared. Its just gone.

User Comments

I'm so sorry for how you feel, I read this and I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you.  Can you speak to your boyfriend about how bad you feel? 

The sleep, eating and breakdowns are signs of immense stress, I've been there - so immobilised by stress that I was unable to do anything.  You need to take time out to look after yourself, if you don't do that you won't be able to help anyone else and the situation will just get worse.

The therapy will help, I'm sorry its so far away but it genuinely can be an enlightening experience.

You have my support, for what its worth you are doing amazingly, I doubt I could be as strong as you have been and for that you shouuld be proud of yourself. <3

Anon-2 I've been there. Trust me these hardship you're going through will make very taugh once they're over. There's a light at the end of the tunnel ❤️. Try exercising daily.