My grandmother died last night

Last night, my grandmother died. I found out when I woke up this morning, through a chance phone call to a relative who wasn't going to inform me until after the funeral otherwise. 

My family is so protective of me emotionally. I feel like I'm wrapped in a blanket.

I had previously posted about my grandmother's dementia, how it was basically a waiting game now, and how I wished she would die--because she was suffering. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, mostly with guilt. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I wish I'd done something with my life before her mind started to drift away, so that I might have made her smile one more time, like I did when I was little. I kept reading all the science news headlines about breakthroughs in dementia research and medicinal trials, and hoping. 

I love you, grandma. I'm sorry I didn't think about you a lot until the end. I got so wrapped up in my own problems, and now it's too late to say anything at all. I miss you, and I hope that somewhere, somehow, you're doing alright now. 

User Comments
Anon-1

I like to think that we shape our own reality. If you believe that there's a Good Place, I'm pretty sure your grandmother is there. In any event, she left a legacy that includes, at the very least, a grandchild who is caring, loving, and not afraid to actually feel things, which is something.

Anon-2

My family tries to spare me everything. I'm 35 and I almost didn't get to attend my grandfather's funeral. It came two months after my grandmother's. I'm glad he didn't have to endure long without her after almost 70 years of marriage, but I would never have gotten over not being able to go. 

Anon-3

You have my sincerest condolences. Don't be too hard on your family, they're trying to do what's best, and they're also in pain themselves. I know what it's like to be coddled and protected. It sucks. They probably don't understand. Best wishes to you and your family in this rough time.

My grandmother died while I was still in a 'haze' of PTSD, and now that I'm coming out of it through therapy... I don't know. It's like it doesn't register yet. I hadn't seen her in years before that, but once upon a time we were very close. In some ways I feel... sad, that I don't feel more sad, if that makes any sense. You have my sincere sympathies, and I wish the best for you and our family.