A life and summary

If you are looking for a happy ending I am afraid I haven't found one yet. I am writting this as a way of releasing the stress and tension that I am feeling at this moment. This is a technique I use quite often and it helps, if you are looking for an awe inspiring story of coming through a tough time with a smile then this is not the article you want to be reading however I am still hopeful that one day I will be able to write from a happier place but that day is not today.

I sit in bed alone, loneliness is something I can't take.

I feel, adapt and reflect other people's mood, I am a chameleon of social situations. I will be whatever you want me to be.

I spent my life avoiding being alone, because then I have to face my own reality a deep dark pit waits for me in my room, many a nights I sit feeling myself slipping towards the centre of my bed a magnet for my emotions a black hole in the centre of my universe the only time I see my life for what it is. How will I ever pull myself out? I wonder why I bother, I worry about the future I remember the past and then someone comes along and without releazing becomes an echo at the bottom of my cave, a rope for me to walk blindly ahead, follow the sound. The chance of a distraction awaits and i throw myself at it with all my might.

Then I am up, am over responsive like a catherine wheel through the darkest October night I whizz a fizzy bottle of emotion exploding, but I keep my outside calm, no one can know how crazy I am. Are you ok? I care for others more than I care for myself I am so in touch with their feelings I can only be around happy people, I have enough pain in that black hole, I don't want to take you there too. Alcohol a perfect escape - people stay up late on alcohol. I am the last to go to bed not knowing if tomorrow I will be able to pull myself out of my pit. Probably not, University? Failing, the only thing not failing is my social life. I have no problems making friends just keeping them, too needy, too emotional I care too much.

Where do I go, afraid to be alone, my emotions a balloon being blown up I am close to bursting I take a knife and run it along my wrist, the air releases slowly, I can feel the pain, but it is reassuring changes my thought process to a different reality one I have just created one I have control of. I walk around the streets early morning, my hood up my eyes dead from the tiredness of emotion, I sit running through a conversation I may have with someone, where I open them and tell them all this, I beg a stranger to approach, the cars go past people with normal lives their eyes blinkered to those around them. I walk to the bridge fantasize about falling into the deep, the irony that the deep took me in the end but I could never do it. How could I put my family and friends through that emotion, the emotion I know so well. Depression.

I have bi-polar, depression and manic depression. Diagnoised at the age of 11/12 after a series of fights in school, crying episodes and public breakdowns. The root cause? My Dad a violent, drunk scumbag who taught me to trust noone and to fight the world. I was a lonely child growing up, the only thing I ever wanted (all still want) is for people to like me but no one did and I don't blame them I had a terrible temper and loud mouth. The put me into conciling once a week for 5 weeks. 5 weeks it took the NHS to give up on trying to get me to discuss my issues. I must admit I didn't make it easy I wasn't ready to talk but the cliencly trained Dr oppisite me could of atleast gave me a couple more weeks? They put me on Sertaline, I tried to write a general overview of the drug but even after being on it till 1 month ago (that is 10 years) I still have no idea what is it, what it aims to do. No one talked to me about anything again.

Give Sertaline it's due it numbed me, took away my pain and gave me a sense of senselessness. So I went through my life in this state, sometimes the depression would creep back from behind the Sertaline curtain it was hiding behind and the Dr would up my pills occurdingly and send me on my way. At 15 I started cutting, my emotions where getting the better of me again clearly my Mum seen the marks, the Drs uped my dose. 

Things got better when I moved across the country alone to University. I made friends, found a boyfriend and there was a time I was happy, exstatic but something has to give. I was so wrapped up in my social and love life I stopped going to Uni, done the minimal work. I resat a full year. Then I was third year, aiming for a low mark degree but I would honestly put myself in the debt i am inevialty going to be in again just for the life experience and the life changing journey I have been on. Then last month the Dr decided that was enough and that he was taking me off Sertaline. He lowered my dose but still I hit the side effects, spent days in bed ill and depressed, crying. I didn't tell any of my friends or my boyfriend I was on antidepressants so once again I spent the bad days alone, not taking about anything and now I have a few months left in Uni before i go back to where I started in my home town with my friends and boyfriend else where in the world.

Alone is what I am, it is what I have always been





User Comments

I know you haven't found a happy ending yet, but it sounds like you're looking--and putting real effort into it. The life experiences you've had, and the friends you've made; they'll always be a part of you. Keep making progress, and one day you'll look back and see the road you've traveled as being a path which led directly to a place of satisfaction and contement :)