My Life Story

I never really learned what a healthy relationship was growing up. When I was a kid my parent were always fighting, I mean punching eachother type of fighting. When they did finally split up when I was five, I was relieved not see them fight anymore but their anger was just redirected towards my borthers and I. I had to silently listen as my father called my mom a pig and my mom constantly cursing my dad out or she claiming that I loved him more than her. I remember in the second grade a classmate ask "How babies were born" and my teacher told him babies were made when two people loved eachother. At that moent, I wanted to ask her what was I becase my parents definately didn't love eachtoher. By the 3rd grade I came to realization that I was most likely an accident and that I was a major factor as to why see constantly struggled to pay here bill. On many occassions, I wouold have to hear my mom beg to the poeple at the electricity company to keep the lights no another day or hear how we were almost getting evicted if my mom didn't pay the rent the next month. During that time period I rarey saw my dad he would occassionally pick my brother and I up to spend the week end, but before I started playing baseball I didn't recognize him as my father. I remember one saturday when I was 7 years old, I cried because my father went upstate to see a race instead of picking us up. Pretty much what I'm trying to say is that I really didn't grow up looking at my parents as role models, they just as confused about the world as I was. By the time I was in middle school, I got into baseball and was more frequently seeing my dad. I never messed well with my teammates but it felt good seeing him more. My mom still accussed me of loving him more than I did her, but eventually she cooled off and stop saying that. 


From middle school untill my senior year, I was perfectly happy. I still struggled messing with my baseball team but I didn't really care I used the time for stress relief. I didn't have many friends, but the small group I had was enough for me. I got really into watching stand-up comedy and began looking up to comedians like Donald Glover and Dave Chapelle. 


But then my senior year of high school came around and this feeling of loneliness creep on me and I couldn't shake it off. My group of friends began feeling distant because I was no longer in classes with them, I realized I was going to have to stop playing baseball because of a persisting pain in my shoulder, and struggled to build up enough confidence to ask a girl out (I still struggle with this). I spent my last year of highschool feeling really empty and I was constantly pretending to have stomach pains so I could miss school.


By the time I entered college I had a few friends who I hung out with alot but I always felt out of place. During parties, I was really akward and usually found myself in a corner watching everyone else having fun. I madeout with a few girls but nothing continued after little bit of kssing. But I ended freshman year on a high note, I met this girl. I meet her after a dinner with mutual friend. She was talking about how she had nothing to do for the weekend and for some reason I was feeling really bold and asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said yes. The next day I watched her paint, we drank, and went to a couple parties, and I remember enjoying myself that night. After that weekend, We would get dinner whenever we saw eachother. We would joke around alot and honestly it felt great being around her. 


Sophomore year came around, me and her continued to hang out with each other. But this time I felt i could open her that I talk about my insecurities with her and she would understand. I remember one weekend we were sitting outside and I laid my head on her lap and looked at her, this is probably my favorite memory of college. I started getting feeling for her, she was seeing someone at the time but she wasn't serious about it. So on day  I asked her if she wanted to order some food and I told her that I liked her but she told me she only saw me as a friend. We spend the rest of our that night having akwards conversations. I remember her saying that now things were now going to be different between us. I told her that I was ok and that I didnt want to not be friends. But of couse we didn't


A week later I was smoking and dirnking and blackout at this party, I will eventaully learn that I saw her at the party and tried to kiss her. I woke up the next day feeling really guilty and a vague memory of her yelling at me. I tried texting her but she didn't respond. The days following I would try to talk to her but she felt really distant. I would tell her jokes and while she laughed at them it was clear that she didnt want to. I spent the remainder of sophmore year feeling really sad know that I ruined what was probably the best friendship I've ever had and too scared to ask what I did. The worst memory during this time period, was when she ran away from me after seeing me three times that day. I promise to whomever is reading this I wasn't stalking her, I go to a small college and it happened to be that I ran into her alot that day. I hated sophmore year, I let my grades drop, became distant to my firends, and the fist person I've ever open up to hated me.


I eventually grew a pair, and asked her what I did to ruin the firiendship. I told her I was sorry and she forgave me. A week later I saw her at the library and said hi to her and she voluntarily came up to me to talk to me. The conversation was short but I remember being filled with happiness I had a child-like glee with me the rest of the day. But I quickly realized that she had moved on and got herself another boy firend. I realized that I was just going to be in her friend-zone and I wasn't perfectly ok with that idea I should back off from her life.


Now it's junior year and I still feel affected by this same gir. She studied abroad for the first half of the year and moved in two doors down from me. I tired distracting myself with this other girl but it was clear to me that there wasn't any connection between us. I find myself completely uninterested in the other girls intersted in me. But when I see her I fill up with all sorts of emotions from happiness to complete frustration. Whenever she said hi to me, my chest would start pounding and I wouldnt be able to focus on any of my thoghts. These feeling began worrying me so I decided to start ignoring her but honestly I'm not happy, I dont like that I now have to hide from the first person I could open up to. I've been going to group session with a therapist and he told me to not be scared to open up with other poeple but its really hard. I feel like I go to a school where people are constantly dishing out poeple's problem just to have something to talk about and honestly I'm scared, there isn't really any garentee that the next person I open up to wont hate like the last one.


Thats all I had to say whether someone actually reads this doesn't really matter to me, I just really needed to get this off my chest and honestly I would do anthing to feel happy again. Outside of using drugs of course. 

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