Close call, ashamed and afraid.

I nearly did the unthinkable today.

 

I wrote a note, got undressed and went to the bathroom with only a knife and my wedding ring. I managed to stop, I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just too scared.

 

Now here I am, hair still wet, note destroyed and too afraid and ashamed to call my wife or my parents or my friends for help. I'm surrounded by good people who would drop everything if they knew, and yet all alone. A prisoner of my own weakness.

 

I feel it's only a matter of time. This is the closest I've come in years but it's not the first time. The problem is I can only fall back down this hole so many times before it breaks me. Every time I climb out and start getting on with my life, I fuck it up somehow and fall back into this rut. How many more times can I do that before it's too much? Today I'm thinking not many.

 

The end feels inevitable. Like no matter what I do I'll end up here again. My wife is about the only thing that keeps me going. I've fucked up a lot of things but I try to be a good husband. I think that's what saved me today.

 

I guess it's time to put myself back together and try again. Maybe I'll make it this time, or maybe the fall will break me. If it does... well I can't say the end will surprise me.

 

I just hope they'll forgive me if I break.

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