The world through my eyes, processed by an alien mind.

So, I'm 23 this year. Unemployed for 5 and a half months now. Currently I'm being eaten up by seething hatred and the desire to shut myself down like a machine. I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has fallen in and out of depression. I'm currently undergoing therapy but I'm afraid it won't be enough to 'fix' me.

 

Over the years, I've found myself developed into a cold, calculating, unforgiving and hateful person, while somehow managing to appear gentle and quiet on the surface. I'll tell you why I became the person I am today. I can't recall everything as it is, because memories are subjective, but I'll try to be as objective as possible.

 

During my kindergarten days, remembered fearing school everyday, why?

I was told that I was bullied by classmates, one of them would always prevent me from going to the toilet, making me wet my pants. He would then laugh at me.

 

During my primary school days, same things happened.

I was a quiet kid and loved keeping to myself, but no, the bullies won't leave me be. I remembered being chased by a group of peers throwing sand at me, they forced me to chase after them, they would scatter and hurl more sand my way... Fortunately for me, a another group approached them and asked them to leave me alone. By then, I was shaking and trying my best not to cry, till this day, I don't understand why they would do that. There were also cases where my classmates would surround me and start kicking my legs till they are all bruised. Now that I looked back, I'm fed-up at why I didn't lash out and hurt them so bad that they would regret their decisions.

 

Secondary school was no better.

I lived in the constant fear of not performing well in school. I kept telling myself that I don't want to be streamed into the lesser classes where bullies are rampant, so I tried my best to keep my grades up even though they are always borderlined. This is also the period of time whereby I kept to myself as much as possible, sure, I had a few friends here and there but I can never consider them worthy of a good conversation. The rest of the class would fall into two categories: 1. Tease me from time to time; 2. Ignore my existence. Although I wasn't physically bullied during this period, besides a few times (calling out a pornography addict and he hammered my head several times). During this period, I begun wondering about things like human nature, meaning of life and developed an interest in writing fiction (despite not reading much).

 

Then came polytechnic days.

I was... WAS aspired to be a comic artist/writer, I pride myself for being a loner by then, I thought I would score well and be one of the top students. I tried not to make friends, as I believed that people aren't worth my time, and I should be more defensive and keep everyone at arm's length. However, after half a year, and the prospect of needing to do group work, I begun to open up, albeit really slowly to people. Before I knew it, I had friends. It was surprisingly to say the least but it was well... but good things don't last, I've decided to cut them off one by one and would hate to go into specific reasons, I'll generalize it by saying they've all disappointed me. Academic wise, I was outshone by most of my peers, utterly destroying my self-esteem, I resigned to the idea that I'll never be as good and should give up on pursuing what I started. (P.S. There was one classmate in particular who always talked shit about my work and makes fun of me)

 

Okay... enough of the past:

Current day me, I've left my previous job for about 5 and a half months now... I fear the idea of having to work because I'll be interacting with other human beings (disrespected, bullied, ridiculed, you name it)... I hate humans... so much... Sometimes I wish that everyone would just... die...

I also have a skewed perception of life, I lack empathy and harbours thoughts about hurting others, badly, I think that life itself is not sacred and certain people are better off dead. Oh, I wish them dead whenever their name or face crosses my mind.  I've grown to hate bullies so much... I have no sympathy for them, I would laugh and cheer when I read stories about bullies dying, they don't deserve to live. I know that I am not allowed to take matters into my own hands due to legal reasons, but sometimes I wish there weren't such boundaries. I often imagine myself torturing these pile of human refuse... To me, their life has no value.

How does that link back to my job hunt?

I'm afraid that if someone were to pick on me, I won't be certain that I would be able to contain myself... I've been holding it in for so long in life... Not wanting to hurt others even if it's an effort to protect myself but... Now... Now I can't help but to think about the things I'd do to the next person who would unjustly step on my toes... I fear that the things I would do would land me in trouble... I want to be FEARED... So that people will leave me alone...

The other thing that worries me about my job hunt is... responsibility... I'm afraid of doing a bad job despite being a disciplined and on-task individual. I'm afraid of messing up and being reprimanded... Thus I want an easy job... I want... an easy life... but society scorns those who are unable to take pressure... I'm... useless then...? I'll be looked down upon... useless...

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