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I want to be over her already. Everyday I wake up and for a split second my mind imagines a world where were still friends, that I didn't royallly fuck up our relationship. But reality kicks in and I remember were not friends, that eventhough we live really close to eachother the most we say to eachtoher now is "hi" and on most occassions not even saying that much. She meant alot to me, I constantly tell myself if I told her that I liked her earlier that things would be different or I should have man-up earlier and told her I was sorry for my stupid mistakes. I fell the worst whenever I think about the night I eventually did tell her I liked her. After she told me she only saw me as a friend, made a comment that along the lines of "things will never be the same between us", and I remember hugging her( the last time I hugged her I think) and telling her that I promise that things wont be any different. I really wanted things to be the say I kept joking around with her, eventhough I was hurting inside. But of course I couldn't keep my promise, one stupid decision of getting high at a party ruined everything between us. I wish it was a year when we were able to talk to each. I wish relive the night where i laid my head on her lap and I just looked at the sky or the afternoon we sat outside and she told me about the things that made her sad.
But sadly its not, I see her and I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. a couple of weeks ago I was waiting to get food and and unknowingly to me she was right behind me. Before I realized it was her I thought to myself that someone smelled amazing, when I looked behind me to see her, I was overwhelmed by everything. I was yelling at myself to speak to her, while another part of me wanted to keep my mouth shut and distract myself from the situtation. I got super nervious my heart was racing, my palms were sweaty. As soon ad my food was ready I got out of there and pretty much ran to my room. I know all of this is temporary and I will eventually find someone else, but I just want to stop seeing her as the greatest that came into my life and that I'm a dumbass for ruining things
Genuinely time does make things easier, its strange but you have to work your way through the pain and allow time to heal. Eventually it becomes something that doesn't make your heart jump or make you feel overwhelmed with sadness, it just becomes something that has happened. Doesn't make it any easier currently though so stay strong x
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