Mourning for the life I thought I was going to have

I was watching the first episode of Frasier earlier (love that show), and Frasier went into a speech with one of his callers, who was having trouble getting over a failed relationship. He likened it to mourning, not for the ex, but for the life that they thought they were going to have. It really struck a chord with me, but the thing is my wife left me 3 years ago! How have I failed to let it go and move on?! 

I've had relationships since, but they have always been doomed to fail. I was in them to tackle the loneliness, rather than to be with the person, and I ended up hurting them - which I hated myself for. It's been 18 months since my last relationship ended and I don't see myself anyway near being ready for one.


I resent my ex so much for taking away the life I had planned. We have 2 beautiful children, and I thought we had a perfect marriage, but then out of the blue she said she wasn't happy and I found out about another man (youngest was only 6 months old at the time). She now has the life in the country with him, with dogs/chickens/cottage - things we always planned to have together. I, meanwhile, am struggling to cope financially in a flat. Yet even with the resentment and anger towards her I miss her, how stupid is that?!

My kids are my world, I went part time so I could have 50/50 custody, but even after a perfect day with them I miss being in a 'traditional' family. This is in no way a slight to single parent families, I realise families come in all shapes and sizes, and the kids growing up in happy homes is much more important than mum and dad staying together. However, the thing I loved about parenthood, when we were still together, was sharing new experiences and firsts, and I find myself so incredibly lonely now. I realise I'm suffering, to some extent, from depression, however I'm an incredible proud (some would say stubborn) person, who does not find talking about his feelings easy. I'm tired from putting on a brave face at work, and especially in front of the smalls. 

I realise I need to do something, to change my mind set, but in the meantime, I hoped writing some of these things down might help. Thanks for reading. Now, to continue my craft project, I've got 2 capes to finish for superhero day at school for children in need.

User Comments
Anon-1

There's no time scale. There's no "appropriate" time for you to move on. Let friends and family in, love your children, and keep doing those constructive things you're doing. There's nothing stupid about missing your ex, or the life that the two of you had planned. Nothing stupid about it at all. One day, you'll be surprised when everything takes a sudden turn for the better, that I promise. 

Anon-2

Bitterness and resentment are understandable, human, expected... I wouldn't say you need to get over everything, but you do need to move past that. Whatever it takes... finding ways to occupy your time. Doing constructive things. Venting, finding people to talk to... bitterness is spiritual poison. Resentment keeps you in the past, keeps you in pain, keeps you from seeing other opportunities. It isn't easy, but it's a step you need to take. 

Thank you for sharing your story here. It's going to help a lot of people. 

Anon-3

Frasier is a great show! I've always found that the people who appreciate it are possessed of great depth and wit. One can only assume that you're the same! I hope that things look up for you in the future. You seem like an interesting person.