Feeling Hopeless and Numb

I don't even know where to start ... It's going to be a long one and sorry for my ortograph , english is not my primary language Well 3 years ago I was dating with a girl that was my first love and I was also her first love , this girl was and is still pretty special to me because I know her since I am really young and shes the only person that I was really truely comfortable being around .. She knew everything about me and so did I about her .. Our relation was so perfect but for some reasons that I can't even understand I decided to break up with her after almost a year .. I guess I wanted to explore other possibilities since I was only 17 then .. I started to see another girl but kept a good relation with my ex .. Maybe too good since we would always end up kissing eachothers and making love even thought I warned her that I didn't have any feelings for her to which she would always respond that it was allright and that she didn't have any feelings for me too (that was bs because she still loved me at that time) well it went like this for about 2 months and I got into a relation with my actual gf .. I did some things that I am really not proud of , I cheated on her with my ex a couple of times but eventualy completly stopped talking to my ex and moved foward with the new relation The first months were all nice even tho my anxiety came back and got to the point where I would be sick almost every night when I was around my gf .. At the time I blamed it on my fragile stomach but now I am pretty sure that I was just fucking anxious for whatever reason that was in my subconscious... As the time went by I noticed that I was starting to feel emotionally numb but didn't really know why .. I cant remember the last time I was really happy or sad as I seem to only feel brief and not really intense emotions I dont laugh as often as I did before , I can't even cry .. I don't feel sad or suicidal .. I just feel "numb" I am not even done yet .. Recently I questioned my love for my actual gf and I am unsure that I want to spend my life with her but I don't want to break up with her because I don't want to hurt her .. She is so fragile but I am so lost I also started to think about my ex and about how everything was so perfect about her for me and how I miss her but she is now with someone else and seems happy and it's killing me .. I feel worse everyday , I am lost and feeling really depressed and I don't know what to do at all .. I hope that one day I'll be able to get back with her but that just seems so fucked concidering the fact that I am in a relation right now and that she also is .. Thank you for reading if you had the courage to read that long post :(

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