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I am a 15 year old male and I have felt very depressed and anxious lately. I have not struggled at this level for a long time. The biggest source of my depression is likely my lack of close friendships in the moment. I am in the marching band, and if that was ever you in high school you know what that means when it comes to close friends. 4 weeks ago I got in a bike accident and I lacerated my liver. I am okay, but I have been out of my extracurriculars for a little bit of time lately. I've become very tired of home and school and home and school, and while thanksgiving was great, I still didn't get enough later. I have some things that I wish to confess in church, but have been unable to lately (I'm catholic, don't judge). I haven't experienced this on this level for a long time, and part of it could be the lack of daylight. Exercise has been my serum, and I haven't been able to exercise lately because of my aforementioned accident. My school starts at 7:30, so the sun is just starting to rise when I get on the bus. I come home at about 3 and I have an hour and a half of sunlight afterward. Of all of my classes this year, only one has adequate windows suitable for allowing sunlight, but I have that class during first period while it is still considerably dark. All of my other classes either don't have windows, or have very small and shaded ones.
Each day when the sun sets I always feel very lonely. I am an introvert, and I usually love being alone, but recently I haven't enjoyed it. I can't find time to do what I want to with people, as I live in a portion of our town that doesn't have many people my age. School has been okay, but I have struggled a bit recently, and have gone to the internet for what little dopamine I can muster. I know this says no romance, but the situation has been worsened a little bit about this one person I am trying to move forward with (the loneliness, not the relationship). I look forward to seeing her every week as I invite her to my house frequently so she can watch the Star Wars movies in time for the new ones. In between those times, I only have my immediate family to keep me company.
I don't mind them too much on the weekends, but during the week it is torture for my predicament, as they are so loud and disturbing to the peace that I would like. Whenever I do go to bed, I want it to be as dark as possible, but the nearby city (10 miles away), people's Christmas lights, people in their rooms, the streetlights, always make that impossible. I've been in my room too much, and I need to expand. As I haven't been with my band friends lately, they feel very distant. While I love my family, sometimes I grow a little tired of them being all cheery and loud and not seeming to care about other people. My mom works a lot, so I don't get to see her often. I stubbed my toe today, and that also has led me to hate what I have done, as I cannot physically run away right now. I need a way to compensate until I can get back to exercise and back on schedule. I can't stand artificial lights right now. I feel so distant. The internet is too close, and the best way to describe it is feeling "stale."
As a child I was always described as a sad and angry child, quite different from my siblings as they were your standard happy children. I was born with a severe clef lip and palette which took many surgeries to mostly fix. It is now barely noticeable. Also had many ear infections which slowed my speech development. This made me socially awkward and gave me extremely low self-esteem. Suicidal ideat...
For first note, I have been battling sever depression since I was diagnosed at 7 years old, currently 21. Through my course of life, my parents divorced when I was 13, father committed suicide 2 years after that, struggled with a bipolar, self centered, greedy mother whom showed me no affection and if she loved me at all is questionable. During highschool I, was thrown into rehab for smoking weed ...