My problems, AKA why I am fucked up.

Literally everything in my life is a contradiction. I think I should be attractive, I don't have an ugly face, I'm not fat, I'm tall, I work out, and I am decently built. I act confident around girls, and I think I have a pretty decent personality. I have had two past girlfriends(albeit they both happened out of circumstance more than out of my actual intent), and I'm not a virgin. Some women have interacted with me in ways I have interpreted as them having some interest in me. But every time I try to pursue some woman I always fail some way or another. Every single time. I can't stop failing.

I'm trying to be social, but I have been extremely unlucky with it. I hate weekends because they always remind me I have no one to do anything with. I tried making my roommates into my friend group, but that didn't work out. They whole bunch of them are all the most stereotypical computer addicts you could imagine. All virgins, unnattractive, have no ambitions in life, CS majors, are always glued to their computer screens. I can never make them go out and do something with me, they always would rather be on the computer. I tried to join the engineering fraternity. I thought I was amicable with them. The very last day of rushing, two of them even told me I was in. I clearly didn't get in. They told me it was up to the rush chair, and out of their control. I was so close to solving my social problems, and it was taken away from me. I tried to do ultimate frisbee since I heard they have great parties I heard lots of people met life-long friends there, but my schedule blocked me from doing it. I bought a fake id, to see if I could go into bars and stuff. The ID has an address on it that is well known enough in my area that it would be immediately spotted as being fake. All my routes have been closed.

Whenever I talk to women, I always think about whether I have a chance with them, or whether they are attracted to me. I hate that. The only time I don't do that is when I know for a fact she doesn't want me. That's pretty fucked up. I can't beleive I do this. And when I do think I have a chance, I develop a sort of form of a crush on the person. But not the good kind, mine is just messed up. All the worst of my thoughts and emotions become linked up with whether she accepts me. I start to feel like the only way I won't feel like I have no sexual efficacy and that I am attractive is if she likes me, if something happens between us. I start to obsess over the idea of having a relationship, the idea that you are intimate with someone and that you know someone like you. I want to know someone likes me as a person, to be secure in that fact.

My past relationships were really, really fucked up too. My first girlfriend was a chronic liar. I never even kissed her during our year long relationship. It was an internet-addiction relationship. We always talked on the internet, and it allowed her to lie to me easily without it being straight to my face. I never really even realized she was a chronic liar until afterwords. She once made me think she was about to be raped, she made me think she had cancer, she made me think her mom abused her. But all those things really didn't emotionally damage me. She moved, and I finally got away from her. I didn't even go out of my way to start my relationship with her, I was just setup with her by someone else.

I hung out with my second girlfriend once, and made significant physical contact with her. She was ok with it, so I asked her out. I never found her attractive or liked much about her, I only wanted to be something with her because I wanted a realy relationship, not the fake one I had before. My second girlfriend was extremely easy too, very promiscuous. She started having sex in middle school, and had at least eight(that I know of) sexual partners by her high school sophmore year. Considering how the CDC says less than ten percent of college students have had more than six sexual partners, I was astounded. I had a nick-name for her(that I only used in my head) "little miss training wheels". She developed extremely strong feelings for me, I never developed much with her. I stopped liking her, started getting annoyed by her, started to only do things with her for the sex. I told her I didn't have strong feelings for her, we broke up. I wanted to be fuck-buddies with her still, I seduced her. I wasn't clear enough that I just wanted to be fuck-buddies with her, she thought we were getting back together. I stopped regularly responding to her texts, I just didn't care. I didn't talk to her for a couple of days, she was very emotionally hurt. I didn't know how to get out of it without looking like a douche, so I lied. I told her someone told me she was pregnant, and that she was planning on not telling me and having the child. We broke it off completely. I use that story whenever I explain what happened between me and her. No one knows I was an awful person and used her like a cum rag.

My first girlfriend moved back into town and started talking with me. The process I talked about before, where my emotions get tangled up in a girl happened with her. I knew I shouldn't do that either, I knew she was a messed up person and that it would just end up in me being hurt. Then she went and fucked another man who also had fucked my second girlfriend. This man fucked the girl I was somewhat interested in, but never did anything physical with, and also the one girl I did fuck. I feel like such a failure when I think about that. I hate that, it makes me want to kill myself.

I cut out everything that would make me similar to how my roommates a while ago. I cut out video games, watching movies, anime, programming, any entertainment that could come from a computer. I even switched my major from CS to chemical engineering. I feel like doing anything like that literally destroys your time. Doing any of those things doesn't improve your life at all, it just makes a certain amount of time go by faster. There is a note above my computer that says "Are you moving forwards?". If I am not moving forwards with my life when I am on the computer, I get off it. And yet, even though I have radically changed my behaviour, nothing had changed about my life. I am just as depressed as when I did do those things.

I wish I could kill myself, or cut or something. But I'm not capable of bringing physical harm to my body of any kind. I just can't do it. I have to cross a street to get to my classes from my apartment, and often wish I could throw myself onto the street and have someone run over me. I once, when I found out the girl I liked had a boyfriend played music extremely loud through my earbuds when I did everything. When I did this my emotions somehow synced with the music. I started drinking the vodka I had, and eventually I blacked out, then passed out in my own vomit. My roommates found me and called an ambulance. I really wish I had alcohal, and that my earbuds weren't broken. Going back to that mental state is very, very enticing.

Recently I haven't felt so bad since I discovered the realities about sex in college. College is always portrayed as people having parties all the time, and everyone having sex with everyone else, etc, etc. However, he CDC reports that 90% of students have had 6 or less sexual partners. 1 out of 6 college seniors are virgins. The median number of sexual partners for college senior males is 4, while for women it is three. I feel a lot better about myself because of that, but still not good. I still have that mental problem, that mentall process that I have when I deal with women. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate the fact that male self-worth is so tied up with our sexual efficacy, it's awful.

I really hope everything turns out better next semester. I'm moving out, so I won't be with my current roommates, maybe I'll meet some people that way. I'll join ultimate frisbee, since my schedule should allow it. I'll rush the engineering frat again, I think I might have a chance. I recently heard about the chemistry frat too, I'll rush there since it seems easy to get in. But I thought similar things about this semester before I entered it, and I thought similar things about college in general before I was in.

:(

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