The pain won't stop.

So I'm 24 and I've just been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety by my psychologist. 

 

I think depression is definitely something most people experience at some point in their lives to different degrees. So it's not a foreign concept/feeling for myself. What triggered is recently was a break up I am still struggling to get through. He was my first boyfriend and I guess he was someone I was hoping to marry. Marriage was something we saw in the near future and spoke about quite often. Although I was reluctant to the idea of marraige happening so soon I eventually opened up to it and I was actually excited for that part of my life to happen. 

The relationship it self was fantastic and wonderful. I was so happy, and he appaeared to be also. Until his ex-wife came into the picture. He has a lot of baggage and that marriage did not end well. 

All that aside. His reasoning for breaking up with me was all quite vague and aloof. I can't bring myself to go deeper because I know it won't result in what I want. And I know that us being together now won't fix my depression and anxiety. But he was someone who made me very happy and cared very much for my wellbeing so it's sucks. I haven't told my family that i'm seeing a psychologist or that i'm struggling with depression because 1) my parents wouldn't understand because culturally they would not get it (They're Cambodian refugees, they have so many problems as is) and 2) My siblings struggle socially as in and really don't know how to empathise. Friends have been great in this aspect, however I know me talking about this to them is wearing them thin. It's been 4 months and they're at the point of "why are you still sad about this" so I just keep to myself and talk to my psychologist about it. I don't want to burden other people with my sadness because I just dampen the mood. I push people away because i'm hurting. 

There are some days my anxiety is at ease and I try and take advantage of those days... but most days it's so crippling. All I can physically do is cry in bed and I just feel so ill all over. ALSO it does not help that I cannot sleep. The most sleep I get a night is 3-5 hours. My sleep wasn't that great to begin with but I guess my ex really helped me take care of myself, because I had to learn to let someone do that. (That was so hard itself) Now I just don't sleep, I undereat because I'm so apathetic and do not care.

 

I've been told my psychologist that i'm a people pleaser... And I see it. So i've been trying to do things to please myself and make myself happy. So i've picked up a few hobbies. I've been working on my typography and also I've been driving out to see lighthouses (my attempt at being symbolic because I feel so lost) and it's been so lovely to get outside. I don't go outside that often anymore... I hate the sun but I know I need it. 

This was all random rambles but now it's out there.

User Comments
Anon-1

hey sorry you feel so low. Trouble is with these things is you can have good days and bad days, the bad days can shock you if you have been feeling well. Keep working on the good things you are doing, focus on those and the postive steps you are taking. Don't beat yourself up if you have a bad patch, it only makes it worse. Much love x