It's a good day, nice and rainy.

It's raining out. Cloudy and gray, a little darker than it should be at this time of day. Perfect weather. I love the rain. 

I haven't driven in almost nine years. The last time I drove, I was in an accident. I got hurt, and nearly died. It wasn't the first time that that kind of thing had happened to me; I've been ill, and been in accidents, and been otherwise injured, before. Now, though, I have trouble getting into a car (I don't have one, anyhow) which makes my world pretty small. I get tired of running the same errands all the time. I don't care much for going outside, but I love the rain. I love a rainy day. 

I don't have to go outside on a rainy day, and also, nobody's going to come and bother me. I can read a book, watch Netflix, and worry about doing the things that need to get done some other time. Nobody's going to come knocking at my door. I hate it when people do that. They knock, and I freeze. I reach towards my phone and my computer in what feels like slow motion. I hit the mute buttons, in case someone were to call me while someone else were knocking at my door. Not that I'm particularly fond of being called, anyway. I rarely answer the phone. 

I can't explain the source of my anxiety. For as long as I can remember, I've been terrified around other people. I'm never sure about what to say, or how to act, or how to react to anything. The simplest strategy has been one of avoidance, which is what I've done... also, for as long as I can remember. And it's starting to grate on me. I'm lonely, I have no friends. I've not been in a relationship in years (and was only ever in one of those that actually worked out for a while). I'm honestly starting to hate myself, and my life -- a thing with which I was largely content for the longest time. 

When it's raining, though, none of that matters. The rain soothes. I can't explain it, but I appreciate it. It feels like I've got nothing to worry about when it's raining. I wish it would rain all the time; it's not something that I think would wear thin any time soon. If I ever have the money, I think I'll relocate to the Pacific northwest. It seems to rain there, an awful lot.

User Comments

I'm feeling like I'm in a really dark place, right now. I just found out that my brother won't be coming home from Iraq. I hate to put it like this, but your story did really help me; it showed me what I don't want to do. I don't know what you've been through, and I would never suggest that you were overreacting, but I hope you're able to find your way to a better place. Nobody deserves to be stuck like that.

Anon-1

I've always found the rain to be soothing and uplifting. That's a normal thing; you're not lost. I hope that your situation improves soon.

Anon-2

I'm totally the other way. I hate the rain, it always seems to make my anxiety worse. When it's sunny out, I just feel better about life in general. It's probably the same "mechanic," just focused on something different. Speaking from a personal standpoint, I'm willing to bet you're worth more than this. I hope that you're able to find your way back to the rest of us. You add to the world; your life makes it a more interesting place.