Alone with my panic

Tears just hit again. Tingling sensation in my legs feeling as if I could puke. The aloneness in all this is the hardest.  I feel down and out. Clawing my way up doesn't feel like an option. Even though I know that what I'm worrying about my stress shouldn't even be my concern I can't fight off the sick feelings. The dizziness and the draining tiredness overwhelms me. When I can cry I don't even feel like it helps. The feeling of not being able to breathe creeps up more often than not.  The moments when clear thoughts come to me and I feel strong and back to my normal self don't last long enough.  The only solace I feel is at home until my mind wanders to having to go back to work and that awful mess that has triggered all of this. I come home and the lack of control I feel my life has spun into gets worse if the house is a mess not enough order here and it becomes another sense of loss in my life. My head is a mess but I get ready for another day to step into another sickening 8 to 9 hours.  No one to talk to they are all too busy. True I know I have no real friends because no one does care. They don't understand so they let me go. They never truly cared unless I have some benefit of some sort for them. I realized that before the anxiety even started. Too much to deal with.  I hate to feel like I'm making my boys suffer. I don't think my husband knows what to say. He tries and I understand that but he can't be there for me all the time. My mom is undersranding.  I think I have to learn how to speak up and tell whoever how I really feel and not care what they think of me. My brain doesn't work right. I know that. I over think.  I get sick over things I shouldn't and stress rules my life. I just wished I had one person who cared enough I could truly confide in.

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