I'm never going to be enough

Its been three years now, since my dad died.

He was on hard drugs, I watched him deteroate mentally and physically. I was seventeen then, his sudden death crippled me to the point of where I had attempted to kill myself multiple times but was not sussefull. I would take boxes of panadol because I did not know how to properly overdose and die, I tryed to hang mysel with a cable in the shed, then I realised I didnt want to die, I just hung there with the cable around my neck on my tippy toes and let it slowley tighten at that moment I realised, I was in love with my own destruction, my own pain. I should have seen the signs though with the amount of self harm I was inflicting on myself, such as cutting, burning and pulling my hair out, smashing my head against the wall, punching brick walls until my knuckles bleed the pain just felt so good to me but then my mum caught on that soething was wrong with me I had to start getting "checks" to see if I had been hurting myself and when my mum saw new/ recent scars or burns, I would get yelled at it made me feel guilty. 

Its been three years now and my self harm has been on and off, I am seeing a counsellor, talking to people, I still have the urges though to the point where its overwhealming, and I miss the pain, I miss the pain, the feeling, that I had control over, I miss it so much. But I know I have to be more "responsible" now as I am 20, there is alot of pressure with home life, society and just not feeling worthy or any kind of happiness. Looking through the past years, I knew something was off about me, in a way where I couldnt even recognise myself in the mirror, that or I hated my body, I hated my body because it did not match up to what was in my head which made me realises I was confused about my gender and I hate myself for it, that I want to be male for a long time I thought these feelings where bad and I had to hurt myself to make it go away, but it didnt.

When I was little I did everything to make my dad proud of me, I would do anything for him to accept me as I am, I remember getting really upset when I wasnt able to lift a part of heavy machinary when we where fixing the car, I felt weak, like I wasnt good enough. We would hang out with the neibours and play football and there was this older boy, I looked up to him, I was jelous. He had muscles, girls loved him he was handsome, everything I wasnt, he went fishing with my dad and just the way he laughed and acted around him made me feel like I was not worthy, like I could never be a worthy son nor a worthy man to my dad I was just his little girl. Ever since then I would look at myself, look at my arms, and think I was just too scrawny so from then I started martial arts, I started to work out to the point where I stunted my growth, I cut my hair short and now people cant tell the diffrence if I am a boy or girl. I still don't feel good enough though, I just want to be seen as how I see myself or how I want to be. 

I am not out as being transgender, I don't want to come out, I dont feel like I owe anyone anything like an explanation, and all the questions that come with it. I feel like ive always been a guy and I shouldnt have to come out. Its all so confusing. And it has been burdening me for years, to the point where I am questioing, what is my quality of life, and why am I living, whats the point.

User Comments
Anon-1

How is it going with the counsellor? Keep on with the professional help, I thought I was beyond help and pointless but it managed to change my life. So sorry you are having to go through this, hope it gets better for you.